A “Stupid Man Card” Limerick

I was recently introduced to woman at a social engagement. We seemed to hit it off and during our conversation, I came to learn that she had a Facebook page. Since I use Facebook to build a platform to promote my limericks, I went to her Facebook page and sent her to a “friend request” so I could invite her to “like” the An Answer For Everything Facebook page.

She did not accept my “friend request.” Yet. She told me that she was playing the “girl card” which I took to mean using a woman’s prerogative to “think about it.” Hey, I would think about it too before I publicly became friends with me….and that led to this…which I sent to her…

I am impressed with your “girl card” play.
I like a woman who wants things her way.
But just to be fair,
Buyer Beware….
I have a “stupid man card” tucked away.

A Football Gambler Quits Cold Turkey Limerick

Cleveland Browns elf

Roger Cohen and I go back over 50 years. He is amongst my oldest and dearest friends. Never lost touch. Had incredible adventures when we were young. Roger is a true mensch in the purest sense of the Yiddish word, a higher compliment I couldn’t give a person.

And he is also a liar. That may be too harsh a word. Let’s go with delusional. He is a junkie. His drug is football and football handicapping. He studies, he is knowledgeable, he understands all the mathematical angles, he’s an expert in every sense of the word when it comes to betting on football, but the most significant factor here is that his heart doesn’t start beating until he’s put his money where his mouth is. At least that’s been as long as I’ve known him, not counting yesterday when the Wall Street Journal had nothing better to do than publish my dear friend’s delusion.


Before I go any further, I need to be able to describe Roger’s capacity for delusion. It goes deep. All the way to China deep. He goes into every new NFL season “knowing” what will have to happen for his beloved Cleveland Browns to win the Super Bowl and with his heart full of “faith” and “hope”. The Browns are more in need of “talent” and “coaching.” But, for the record, as a Clevelander who grew up going to Browns games with my dad on the bus and then the Shaker rapid, froze at the Raider’s game and once used the stage name Pruitt Candoit, nothing would be more fun than for Roger’s dream to come true.

Back to Roger’s contention that he has given up betting on football…..

A good buddy claims he quit betting,
A claim I bet he’ll be regretting.
Without action on a game,
It just ain’t the same…..
And a winning bet, you ain’t soon forgetting!

Especially the thrill of being right one of the few times that you are



A Stoner’s Point Of View Limerick

Well, it seems that marijuana is here to stay. It is the D.O.C. of many baby boomers and now their kids, It is legal in two states and California has medical marijuana. The tobacco industry is poised and ready, just waiting for the winds of change to put them in the pot business. It could happen. Democracy is a fickle thing sometimes. And you have to know that pot has a lobby and a PAC.

And stoners vote. If they can remember there is an election. And where they put their car keys so they can drive to the polls if they remember there’s an election……I am pretty sure they have a slogan – Cop That Buzz.

Beyond that, I don’t think stoners are giving it much thought…and that led to this….

Is there an intelligent form of life out there?
I don’t think stoners really care.
As he passed the joint,
He asked, “What’s the point?”
And I thought there must be a point out there somewhere?

For the record, the stoners’ essential question is “Are going to smoke that or pass it?”

A Few Horseracing Limericks

view from my bench in the paddock

view from my bench in the paddock

I love horseracing. I especially love horseracing at Del Mar in San Diego, where “The Turf hits the Surf” and its always “As Cool As Ever.” The picture is the view from my favorite bench in the paddock after the horses have gone to the track. It gets a little crowded when they are on display.

view from the bench in the paddock with horses in the paddock

view from the bench in the paddock with horses in the paddock

Everything about horseracing at Del Mar is cool. First, the horseracing – the horses are great athletes who try hard, the jockeys are fearless competitors weighing around 100 lbs. on top of a 1200 lb. animal going 40 MPH. The excitement of the races is real and there is athletic drama unfolding right in front of you which can be greatly heightened with gambling action. I like the action. I am not a big gambler and I limit myself, but I have to say, it’s always a rush to cash a winning ticket.

Playing the ponies lights my fire
And cashing large is my desire.
If I ever win big
I’ll dance a jig
When my winner hits the wire!

Winning tickets make spirits soar,
No matter the size of the score.
Any horseplayer would say
It’s an exceptional day
When more get cashed than end up on the floor!

I was there for five days and, let’s put it this way, the best handicappers can pick 30% winners. I am not amongst them. One good day and four days where I hit the losing limit. Day 1 loser, Day 2 winner, Day 3 resulted in this:

The ships sinking and there’s no way I’ll right her.
I’m going down like a punch drunk fighter.
My picks have been trash
Now my stash has less cash
And my wallet’s significantly lighter

But I was still at Del Mar. Below is the view from the box I able to sit in thanks to my friend Richard and his trainer, Mike Puype, a fine trainer and a very nice guy. He didn’t roll his eyes or anything when I asked him about horses trash talking each other before the races (which Steve Cauthen did before he broke into a big smile and started laughing before he told me, “Sir, I think those horses just go about their business.”)

view from the box

view from the box

In the end, a good time was had by all and I’ll be back again even though…..

I go to the beat of a different drum
And I know betting on horses is dumb.
What cures losing for me –
A cranialrectumectomy…..
But there’s no ass left to pull my head from!

Since I lost mine at the racetrack!

A “Best Advice For Incoming Clemson Students From Those Who’ve Been There” Limerick

I am a very proud alum of Clemson University. I entered there in the Fall of 1970, the year that Clemson introduced THE PAW as its logo. It was a time of great social change in the United States and some of that change found it’s way to western South Carolina. It was unofficially the end of “Rat Season” which included a tradition of incoming freshman men cutting their hair to a sixteenth of an inch. That had me a little worried but I never had to deal with it.

I was a stranger in a strange land when I entered. I am a Cleveland, Ohio Jew. During my entire time at Clemson from 1970-1975 there were more Jewish members of the faculty then Jewish students. I was good with that. I was coming from a public high school that was 95% Jewish. There was no one else at Clemson with that experience. I embraced my uniqueness. One of the reasons I chose Clemson was that I wanted a “real world” experience and Clemson was more like the real world than Beachwood High School.

But the main reason I chose Clemson was for the adventure. And what an adventure I had there. I didn’t know a single person when I got there. I was somewhat of a campus personality by the time I graduated. I became an actor, I had a part in a movie and, most importantly, I made friends that I am still friends with today.

I LOVE CLEMSON and everything about it. The campus is beautiful and the climate is the best in the US east of the Mississippi River. When I hear Tiger Rag, my heart races.

EMBRACE THE ADVENTURE. Clemson will be a big part of the story of your life. Make it a story that you love to tell.

All that said, I now have to be the me that Clemson helped shape. I am a poet and humorist. I am currently working on writing projects for my genre of choice – the limerick. So when I saw the post on the Clemson Facebook page asking for the best advice I could offer an incoming freshman, my silly side decided that after I offered some real advice worth every cent that the new incoming freshmen paid for it and less, I needed to offer something to help ease the tension of being away from home for the first time and living with a stranger in a communal setting. After all, college is a place for first experiences and there is good chance that an incoming freshman might have this one.

Which led to this –

If you’re new to the dorm life game,
You’ll find that it’s anything but tame.
It could be terrifying
When roomie’s self gratifying….
Step back and ask, “Does that hand have a name?”

An “Empathy Counts For Nothing” Limerick

Falling down is not good at any age. When you factor in “The Curse of 40” it goes from not good to potentially very bad. The Curse of 40 is this – on your 40th birthday, from that day forward, every ache and pain will hurt twice as much and will last twice as long. The best you can hope for going forward and battling the aging process is that it doesn’t get any worse than that. So when there is some distance from that cursed birthday, you can see how falling down has pain in the ass written all over it, literally and figuratively.

Unfortunately, falling down is exactly what happened to my girlfriend last night. A normally light on her feet ballroom dancer she caught a wet spot on the kitchen floor and it was “watch her feet go past her head on the way down” time. Ouch. Leg, head, and, of course, ass, as in pain in the ass. Throw in that your boyfriend also brings that quality to the table and what you have there is a perfect storm for an add insult to injury kind of limerick.

After my Sweetie went bottoms up
I knew we were not going to shtup.
I said, “I feel your pain
So I suggest we refrain.”
She replied, “Stop trying to cheer me up.”

A Should I Say Thanks For Not Asking Limerick

I am resisting aging with all my might. I’m holding up mentally. Physically is another story. I have always remained fit since my high school days. I still like working out and playing sports. That part of physically is fine. It’s the bald, gray, bags under my eyes, have to take a pill to piss part of physically that is messing with me.

I start out every day by walking into the bathroom, looking in the mirror, screaming and going about my business. It’s been a daily ritual for a long time. However, I recently made the mistake of moving in for a closer examination. It wasn’t pretty. I saw the dreaded “O” word staring back at me.

The day before this self observation took place, I stopped at a fast food joint for a cup of coffee. I got a nice senior discount…without asking for it. That led to the mirror which led to this –

It seems I’m approaching the geriatric stage
And how fast I’m going has been hard to gauge.
Oy, even at my best
I fail the mirror test…
It’s senior price now without asking my age!

Some Simple Self-Help Biz Advice Limericks

I would like to offer some free unsolicited advice worth every cent you paid for it and less.  It does come from experience, for whatever that’s worth. And for the record, my business record is dismal at best. So now I am calling myself a writer. Ironically, with writing being the only thing that I ever wanted to do, I may have more opportunities to make money doing this than I did when I was involved in small businesses. Never give up on your dreams.

I write limericks and my ideas for them come from everywhere. I have some friends that are especially good at saying things that become the last line of a limerick. One is from Ringgold, GA, a small town in northwest corner of Georgia. He has a lot of “sayings” as in “my mama had a ‘sayin’ for this.” He sent me a text with the last line of this one which offers some good self-help advice for when your business is negotiating rough waters….

You’re bailing your butt off to keep it afloat
And it’s looking like that’s all she wrote.
With desperation growing
When it’s you doing the rowing….
You ain’t got time to be rocking the boat!

He has some street cred, too.  He kills it selling an industrial manufacturing commodity. He does it the “Ch” way, charm and chutzpah. Those are two good things to have in business.

This second piece of simple advice is pretty old. It comes from arguably the most famous speech in the English written by arguably the greatest writer of the English language. I condensed it into a five line limerick and added a little Texas twist to it. Texans have a great attitude toward life.

So you were riding high in the saddle,
Now you’re up a creek with no paddle.
Tis nobler in the mind
To get off your behind
And make that Sea of Troubles skedaddle.

Good luck. Keep the faith.


An Answer For Everything – Take Out The Doggy….Bag

We are back with a new comic strip after a brief hiatus. Jae provided both the inspiration and the artwork for this one which we know that everyone can relate too