A “Computer Dating Disclaimer” Limerick

I have experience with computer dating. It works for people every day. It’s worked for me. I married two women I met on Match and made many lasting friendships. One of the problems with computer dating is misrepresentation. People post 40 year old pictures and embellish their self-descriptions. In many cases, they are simple describing themselves the way that they want to be and not how they actually are. They are looking for an edge, something that will make them stand out amongst the crowd, but unfortunately it does not change the reality of who they really are. An example would be stating that they are financially secure and that really means that their checking account is not overdrawn at the moment.

I do not misrepresent myself. I am a goofball and I say that I am a goofball. I am selectively immature when I can be and I say that I am immature. My pictures are recent and if someone were to meet me, they would recognize me immediately.

Of course, I use limericks in my profile to try and make myself look clever and witty, but the reader has to be the judge of that. I use a few that I have posted here on the blog and I won’t re-post those here. I did write one this week which I added to my profile and this could be as truthful a representation and “disclaimer” that I could put out there.

I’ve had relationships fall apart,
And I’m not saying this just to be smart.
I’m foolish and lazy
And I drive women crazy….
So it’s best they don’t have a head start!

An “Estate Sale and Treasure Hunting” Limerick

I love estate sales. The blood flowing through my veins and my DNA came from secondary markets. I grew up hustling used auto parts and used cars, moved into metals and then did collections. Salvage should be my middle name. So helping out my BFF and one of the loves of my life, Patti English, with her estate sale biz http://www.englishestateservices.com comes more naturally to me than writing a limerick.

I usually give Patti back at least 25% of my wages with purchases that I make. I love cooking and kitchen devices so I am all over that stuff and I collect cookbooks. I also use estate sales to purchase gifts for my dearest friends. This weekend I picked up a new never been used pooper scooper for $2. It will be house warming gift for friends who are moving to a place where they will be using a patio for a puppy potty and they have a standard poodle…..Not only is it thoughtful and useful, but also it enabled me to come in at my budget for their gift.

Estate and garage sales have brought me some very interesting and now beloved things. Mimi got me a bicycle that was just like the one I rode when I was a kid at a garage sale. I rode that bike from Houston to Austin in the 2006 BP MS150 and raised over $6000.00 for MS. When my ass hits that bicycle seat, it’s like two old friends having a joyous reunion. Mimi would have been in a 12 step program for garage sale addiction had she not taken her act to Heaven. Now Arleen had a polar opposite attitude towards bringing home stuff. When I moved in with her before we got married, when she kissed me goodbye in the morning, she would leave me with these marching orders, “Don’t you bring another frigging thing back to this house from your frigging house!” which, of course, was full of Mimi’s stuff. And she didn’t say “frigging.” I always look to Heaven and say “Now don’t be pissed” when I am bringing my estate sale plunder home.

shared photos

But I can’t help myself. There are always things that are just too cool to pass up or things that touch a precious memory and you have to have it. And that is essentially the lure of the estate sale.

There is another aspect to an estate sale that brings something wonderful and intangible to the table. Every item has some attachment to the Life of the person whose estate is being sold. It is part of the job of the people who do estate sales to conduct the business of selling off someone’s lifetime accumulation of possessions in a dignified, respectful manner. Patti English does this as well as it can be done and it is why I love working for her. She gets it. And that led to this….

Putting prices on people’s stuff
Is a task that’s incredibly tough.
To value personal treasures
And the Life that it measures
Couldn’t possibly be enough.

When someone’s estate is sold
The Life it represents is extolled.
It’s Legacy
Undergoes alchemy
When that stuff becomes another person’s gold.

A “St. Patrick’s Day Amateur Night” Limerick

St. Patrick’s Day is a day when everyone is Irish. No other ethnic holiday can make the claim. I can’t recall everyone wanting to be Jewish on Yom Kippur or Passover.

Who wouldn’t want to adopt an ethnic culture that encourages intoxication and flatulence for one day. Seriously, green beer, boiled meat and boiled cabbage. Talk about your drunken fart fest. Sign me up and call me Joelly O’ Kravitz.

But St. Paddy’s can be fraught with peril way beyond the expected hangover and gastrointestinal discomfort. It is one of two Amateur Nights during the year, the other being New Year’s Eve. They aren’t pounding the air waves with public service messages informing the public that the police are going to be vigilant and aggressive in their enforcement of DUI laws. They are warning you. If you are going to be profoundly stupid and drink and drive, and, if you don’t kill yourself first, the consequences for getting caught drinking and driving are going to be severe. And they should be.

So don’t be an idiot. If you are going to drink, don’t drive. And if you are going to drink…..well, consider the wisdom in this limerick.

When it comes to drinking, you need some schooling.
If you think not, it’s only you that you’re fooling.
Your vision is blurred,
Your speech is slurred….
And would you please wipe your chin, your drooling!

A “Foot In Mouth Disease” Limerick

Let me begin by saying that a lot of what I am writing about here, I learned from first-hand experience. I have long been guilty of talking without thinking first. Once those words escape past your teeth, there is no turning back and you have done something that Honest Abe Lincoln advised us against.

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.”

With me there was never a doubt. As lifelong standup comic wannabe, I recklessly went after every cheap laugh I could and that would usually end up with any and all of my three wives calling me an idiot and me apologizing for being an idiot. I have backed off in my old age and now use the written word more for joke telling as it comes with a delete button so you can edit it before you’re regretting it.

We all known smart people, very smart people without a lick of common sense or social skills or both. My mom had a life partner who graduated sum a cum laude from Smith. My mom was almost expelled from high school a week before graduation for setting off a cherry bomb in cooking class. Her partner couldn’t cross the street unless mom told her it was ok to go.

I have described people like this, especially the one’s totally lacking tact and social skills, as Homer Simpson’s with a 125 IQ. They are Mindless Mensa’s and you never know what is going to come out of their mouths.

After a recent episode with someone who has the uncanny ability to always say the wrong thing at the wrong time, when I got done asking him the universal rhetorical question (“Are you out of your fucking mind?”) I offered some unsolicited free advice which became the last line of this limerick.

We all know people with a beautiful mind.
Despite they’re high IQ’s we find
They’ll say stupid things
And with the backlash it brings….
They need to quit while they’re behind!

A “Classy Woman” Limerick

I have done computer dating, very successfully, I might say. I married two women I met on Match and I have made several lasting friendships. I am intrigued with how people will describe themselves to make themselves attractive to the type of person they are hoping to meet, and also how they describe the person they are trying to meet. Everyone is looking for some kind of personal niche which sets them apart. I have read some very creative and well written profiles where I have had to send a message to the writer if for no other reason than to compliment them on a job well done. As for my own profile, what do you think? A few goofy limericks and a four liner – no misrepresention.

But misrepresentation and delusion run rampant on computer dating sites. Certainly, people are entitled to hold themselves in high esteem. If you don’t think that you are some kind of a grand prize for a lucky winner, then you might end up settling for a booby prize. Still, a little honesty with the person in the mirror goes a long way towards finding a match that is well suited for you.

One of the keywords used in self-description is “Class.” The Urban Dictionary defines it as “A person who is poised, graceful, mature, or exudes any of these qualities in dress, mannerism, language, and everyday life. Possesses excellent self-control, is gentle, soothing, and not offensive.” I can see how a woman would want to describe herself as being classy or having class. But class is something you have to see for yourself and I would question the humility of someone who advertised having class, as I think it is not something that a person with class would do. And that led to this.

My definition of a woman with class
A gal without a stick up her ass.
But she’ll like a good poking
And I’ll know if she’s joking
When she’s ripping me with her merciless sass!

A Bringing Home A New Baby Limerick

A young friend of mine from the Houston Clemson Club and her husband just celebrated the birth of their first child. I have known these kids for a couple of years and they have been good Clemson buds, which is something that I cherish since Clemson is so near and dear to me.

Knowing that they were going to be busier than they have ever been before in their young lives and that they were going to have tons of visitors coming over to see their precious bundle of joy, I baked them some cream cheese pastries for their guests. Being the classy Tiger that the new mom is, there was a thank you note waiting for me when I returned from being out of town last week.

I know that this is an all new experience for them and it requires a lot of OJT. With that, I offer this advice –

When you’re changing diapers that stink
It’s pretty easy to think
How long’s this gonna last?
Just know they grow up fast…..
And my advice to you is DON’T BLINK!

A Presidential Election Limerick

It’s an election year. Lucky us. 350 million people get to pick the one person to be the leader of the free world. Most of those people will not participate in the process. Many can’t due to being under the voting age or being too old to get to the polls. But the majority of non-participants think that their voice will not be heard and their vote doesn’t really count. And they may be right. I have written about this previously. Almost 2500 years ago, Aristotle said that Democracy is the lowest form of government – to paraphrase his reasoning, it’s the inmates running the asylum.

And the choices we are given this year. Oy vey. The two party system has a way of giving us the best sound bites and in an era where style has replaced substance, what you see does not come close to what you get. Which reminds me of something all of our fathers warned us about when we were growing up in the form of this old saying, “Believe half of what you see and none of what you hear.”

I woke up at 2AM with most of this banging around between my ears….

Elections are about making choices
From the din of ideological voices.
Is this Democracy’s dirge
Or will someone emerge
As a leader in whom the whole world rejoices?

According to the racing form, it’s a longshot at best!

A Dancing Could Be A Mortal Sin Limerick

I went to college in the Bible Belt. It was quite a culture shock from the Jewish community I grew up in. Down there, people were worried about going to Hell. Where I came from, people were more concerned about how much they were going to have to pledge to the “building fund” to air condition the place after they got there.

We took dancing lessons when we were thirteen so we could dance at Bar and Bat Mitzvahs, which are a big part of our religious culture. There are some fundamental Christian churches that are opposed to dancing as it could lead to the unraveling of their moral fiber. I think they need to eat more fiber as it will cure an internal problem they seem to be having.

I was remembering a joke going around campus back in the day and it led to this…..

It’s a mortal sin that you’re chancing
With trip the light fantastic romancing.
A strict religious education
Forbids copulation…
It just might lead to dancing!

A Woman’s Prerogative Limerick

I have a friend who has a very wonderful purse and handbag collection. She has great taste and a great eye for fashion. My friend has been able to have all the great designers in her collection. I have had the fun and pleasure of accompanying her when she has been looking to add to the collection. I can’t see how having a little expertise in handbags can be a bad thing. And I still find it interesting that a wallet can cost more than half of the cars I had in college – a lot more!

We recently did a little purse shopping but not for the collection. We were looking for a nice little functional purse at Macy’s. There was 2000 square feet of store space for this type of merchandise. Perspective – same size as my house. While my friend and her girls were making a selection from the many hundreds of bags they were sifting through, this little thing popped in my head…

Indecision – is there anything worse?
So a woman’s prerogative is really a curse.
With so much doubt,
I’ll never figure out…
How a woman picks out a purse!

A “Dunlap’s Disease” Limerick

There is no question that getting old sucks. I could have never imagined back in 1970, when I graduated high school, that the two pills in the first line of the song White Rabbit by the Jefferson Airplane would turn out to be Viagra and FloMax. One pill makes your penis larger and one pill makes your prostate small.

It’s a battle trying to keep that aging body from coming apart. If The Curse of 40 is that every ache and pain hurts twice as much and lasts twice as long, the curse goes exponential at 60. It takes effort and will power to fight the good fight.

So it’s no surprise that nearly 40% of adults 40-59 suffer from obesity. Many men in this age group think that a knife and fork are exercise equipment and sitting down to a big home cooked meal with their wives is working out with a personal trainer.

Subsequently, there are a whole lot of middle aged guys walking around with Dunlap’s Disease. Dunlap’s Disease is a gender specific affliction that affects the abdominal region. It gets its name from how it appears when a man is wearing pants and his belly done lapped over his belt. It ain’t any prettier when he isn’t wearing pants. There are men walking around this great country that haven’t looked down and seen their toes or their privates in years. They obviously haven’t seen themselves in profile or give a rat’s ass anyway.

I asked a buddy of mine how he let himself get into this condition and his answer was this – My wife is a great cook.
And with that in mind, it led to this…

In the kitchen my woman’s a winner
And I’m not one to be late for dinner.
If what my wife cooks
Was bought with my good looks….
I assure you, I’d be a lot thinner!