A “Flagrant Foul” Limerick

I got tossed last night. And not for arguing balls and strikes. Though to be consistent with the baseball metaphor, I was sent to the showers for missing a sign and trying to steal a base on my own. I was out by a mile. Rally cut short. No chance to get into scoring position.

And we weren’t even watching baseball. We were watching football. I was trying to show my friend what “illegal use of hands” was and I must have given her too good of a demonstration. Lets just say, there were whistles blowing and flags flying all over the field. And, as I was to discover, the penalty for that foul is not only down and distance, but also comes with an automatic ejection. She told me “Flagrant Feeling” may also carry a game suspension. I told her, I’d be appealing that and it all led to this……

Expert in relationship plea bargain dealing,
I’ve gotten off for attempted kiss stealing.
But girls have slapped me
With a stiff penalty….
And ejected me for flagrant cop-a-feel-ing.

A Couple of “Bad Beat” Limericks

It is the stuff that stories and limericks are made off. Unfortunately, it isn’t a fairy tale and there isn’t a happy ending. But it is a good story and worth telling; and it is certainly worthy of a couple of limericks, that’s for sure. It’s a classic horse player’s lament, a woulda, shoulda, coulda.

I had been screwing around on Saturday, my birthday, playing numbers and grays. Amazingly, two grays came in and at decent prices, $42.80 and $23.80. I was playing those for $5 to win and place so I won enough to come out even on Saturday. I made a lot of bets playing every 6-4, 4-6 & 5-10 exacta boxes and every gray so I had plenty of action. It was trying to get lucky with karma on my birthday. And I did. I didn’t get slaughtered and I could have.

I thought I was going to do some back to school shopping with Mimi’s son and his family Sunday morning and then go watch my grandson play baseball, so I didn’t even buy a form until after my stepson called and said they were a late scratch. I continued to screw around with numbers and grays and I was getting the ass whipping that type of gambling deserves, so I decided I had to try and get back into the fray. But not before knocking down a sixteen ounce Coors Light, which loosened me right up. I couldn’t pick any worse with a beer buzz than I had been.

Now I need to mention that I did not get shut out before I decided to try. Just on my own picks. My friend, who is an expert handicapper, had a lot of faith in his Pic5 ticket and offered a partnership which I would never turn down. That came in. We split a $96 ticket three ways and we each got back $19 profit. It was the first winning Pic5 I was ever a part of.

So I decided to go after another first, my first Pic4. I was playing a $.50 Pic4 bet, where you have to pick the winners of four straight races. You can play a ticket with multiple picks in each of the four races but the more horses you add to the mix, the bigger the bet. Handicapping and making a ticket with the least amount of horses used is how to reduce the risk. I think I did my due diligence and made decent picks from reading the Daily Racing Form. I don’t overthink it, as if I could. I give jockeys and trainers a lot of consideration, and then past performance. I’m no expert but I can make an educated guess and trust my gut with the best of ‘em. I had decent coverage but also a decent amount on the line – $36. I had four horses in the last leg, if I got there.

I did. And in doing so, I got to benefit from a rare horse racing occurrence – a dead heat. I had three horses in the second leg and two of them finished in a dead heat. I had a three horse exacta box using my Pic4 horses and I got to collect for both winners so that was sweet. It also added to the Pic4 drama because now I knew that if I hit the Pic4 I was going to have two winning tickets. And then I hit the third leg of the Pic4, a favorite took care of business.

So here we go. I’m live to four horses in the fourth leg of a Pic4 for the first time. I have had three out of four a bunch of times and that counts for bupkis. This had a potentially sweet payoff and I would get paid on it twice thanks to the dead heat. The drama was building. My friend also had action on the race and he had one of the same horses I did. He had it in an exacta box.

Do you want to know what happened? Well, it led to this…..

Three straight winners and I’m wearing a grin.
And then I took one straight on the chin.
I hate to kvetch
But coming down the stretch….
I actually thought I could win.

But then that Fickle Finger of Fate,
When I was one jump from something great,
Wouldn’t let me close.
I got beat by a nose…..
All it takes for the thrill to deflate.

A “Betting On My Birthday” Limerick

I will be celebrating my 64th birthday today in fine style at the race track. I’ll be hanging out Where The Turf Meets The Surf on Pacific Classic Day and I’ll get to see California Chrome, who won the first two legs of the Triple Crown a few years ago…and a lot of California Girls all dolled up and wearing fancy hats. Life is good.

Today is Cosmic Tumbler day for me. I am playing numbers, 6-4 exactas in every race, every 5-10 exacta box I can (Mimi’s birthday was May 10th and Arleen’s birthday was Oct. 5th), betting every gray horse for Mimi and wearing a purple shirt, which was Mimi’s favorite color. I might even toss in a few name bets.

I didn’t even buy a racing form for today. I am going with dumb luck. I’ve got the dumb part covered, Now if the girls can pull a few heavenly strings and take care of the luck part, that would be the kind of thing that great stories, jokes and limericks are made of.

I can study and analyze,
Speculate and hypothesize,
But winners won’t abound
Unless Lady Luck comes around……
And that would be a birthday surprise!

A “Picking Ponies” Limerick

DSC04374

I started going to the track with my grandfather when I was a little kid and two of my most prized possessions are winner circle photos with my Papa in 1957 and 1958. It would be a huge understatement to say that those were rare occasions – not me and him at the track, that was a regular occurrence; Papa picking a winner was not.

As I am out at Del Mar, which is the crème de la crème of horse tracks, enjoying great company and great weather and having a blast trying to do something incredibly difficult, winning money betting on horses, I have been thinking back to those wonderful times with Ben Katz at Randall Park and Thistledown…and it led to this.

My Papa tried his whole life to pursue it,
So at a very early age I knew it.
Picking winners is tough
And losing is rough….
If it was easy, everyone would do it!

A “Pain In The Ass” Limerick

Unfortunately, I started my vacation with a pain in the ass, literally! Without going into too much detail, let me put it this way, it’s not something that you want to take sitting down, which was not possible for me as I had a three and half hour flight from Houston to San Diego. Needless to say, it required pain meds which were only semi-effective. And I took enough to quell a gunshot wound which made for queasiness which only added to the discomfort. Fortunately, I was able to find an over the counter product that worked along with treatments I found on the web I could do myself. But all of the discomfort and what I had to do to get it behind me led to this, with an assist to a classic Seinfeld bit…

In an area you don’t want to sting
And the misery a hemorrhoid will bring,
To avoid the grief
And get fast relief,
Shrinkage is a really good thing!

An “Expectation Frustration” Limerick

Life may be like a box of chocolates – you never know what you’re going to get. And sometimes, Life is just like a box of chocolates that has been sitting in the car in Houston all day in August. Then you do know what you’re going to get – a sticky mess that you need to clean up. You can piss and moan and blame someone for it, but none of that changes the fact that the mess isn’t going away until somebody does something about it.

On way too many occasions, I have observed lots of pissing and moaning and blaming and then walking away from the mess hoping that someone else will clean it up for the person who made it. I was thinking about that today and it led to this –

Sadly, this is a source of frustration.
When people faced with a tough situation
Shirk responsibility
And it’s fait accompli
That they lived down to my expectation.

A “Know Thyself and Thy Reality” Limerick

In keeping with the Know Thyself theme of the last limerick, I came up with this one while thinking about what a most interesting and challenging soon to be sixty four years I have had. Back in the summer of 1967 when I listening to The Sgt. Pepper album over the loud speaker while I was having the time of my life at Camp Conestoga, I could never have imagined what a ride it was going to be from 15 to 64…and I have a pretty vivid imagination.

I am sure that most of my high school graduating class is having many of the same thoughts. One of my friends and classmates wrote a great blog post about it after celebrating his 64th birthday. It is certainly worth a read

http://youmayhavehitafish.com/2016/07/well-im-64/

One thing that has worked well for me as a survival strategy has been not to over think things, not that I could if I wanted to. I seem to share the same mental disability as Curly in the Three Stooges – “I tried to think. Nothing happened!” It’s somewhat ironic that this limerick was the result of thinking about thinking, and it led to this….

Reality is waiting for the next bad news
And trying to not sing the blues.
I’ve lost my behind
But I haven’t lost my mind…..
Though some say I never had one to lose!

A “Know Thyself” Limerick

With computer dating, a person has to write a profile and give a self description. A lot of fiction gets written there. Not me. I am a happy retired goofball who can make people laugh and smile with five lines of doggerel and either you are going to get me and like me or you’re not. The profile also has a “profile name” where you can use a moniker to “advertise” or “brand” yourself.

I have used “Unusually Sweet.” I’m good with Unusual. It is another, softer way of how my beloved daughter describes me, “Dad, you are so weird, but in a good way.” I hope that Sweet is self-explanatory. Know thyself in two words….and, of course, a limerick.

Unusual is Unique on display.
And with Sweet, it’s a winning parlay.
Those things make Life fun
And keep the Blues on the run…..
I could never be any other way!

Another Chemistry Lesson Limerick

I’ve read a lot of online dating profiles. They fascinate me. To my naked eye, there are two things that women are looking for in a man – chemistry and an income greater than $100.000.00. I have to admit that would be a nice two team parlay.

As far as the money part goes, that’s pretty cut and dry. He’s either got it or he doesn’t and he’s either honest or a liar. An intelligent woman will figure that out fast.

The Chemistry part has a lot more to it. Intellectual compatibility goes a long way with talking and laughing which are essential to oral intercourse. Those things keep the fire burning. And then there’s that other intercourse that lights the fire …..

Like thinking answers a call.
Like humor will always enthrall.
But you need satisfaction
From animal attraction
If you’re wanting to have it all!

A Borscht Belt Senior Sex Limerick

I find the punchlines for my limericks in a lot of different places. My friends supply most of them. But current events and television provide many opportunities to hear something that just begs to become a limerick. This ditty came from TV.

I was watching JLTV (Jewish Living TV). They were showing a program of “classic” Jewish comedians and I turned it on in the middle of an old Borscht Belt routine being performed by a comic I didn’t recognize. He was doing his shtick with a “Jewish” accent, pronouncing his “s’s” like “sh” and his “w’s” like “v.” He looked familiar, but how could he not? He kind of looked like me and a whole lot of other Jewish guys I know – chiseled ethnic features (big nose and bushy eyebrows) and a chrome dome (bald).

He was telling a joke about one of my favorite subjects, Senior Sex, and I was riveted. When he got to the punchline, I knew that I had to turn the joke into a limerick. Hey, goniffing is a time honored tradition among Jewish comedians. And it led to this……

Senior Sex can be daunting when new,
So she wondered what she’d have to do.
She said, “Be honest with me.”
He replied, “Infrequently.”
And she asked, “Is that one word or two?”