A Woman’s Prerogative Limerick

I have a friend who has a very wonderful purse and handbag collection. She has great taste and a great eye for fashion. My friend has been able to have all the great designers in her collection. I have had the fun and pleasure of accompanying her when she has been looking to add to the collection. I can’t see how having a little expertise in handbags can be a bad thing. And I still find it interesting that a wallet can cost more than half of the cars I had in college – a lot more!

We recently did a little purse shopping but not for the collection. We were looking for a nice little functional purse at Macy’s. There was 2000 square feet of store space for this type of merchandise. Perspective – same size as my house. While my friend and her girls were making a selection from the many hundreds of bags they were sifting through, this little thing popped in my head…

Indecision – is there anything worse?
So a woman’s prerogative is really a curse.
With so much doubt,
I’ll never figure out…
How a woman picks out a purse!

A “Dunlap’s Disease” Limerick

There is no question that getting old sucks. I could have never imagined back in 1970, when I graduated high school, that the two pills in the first line of the song White Rabbit by the Jefferson Airplane would turn out to be Viagra and FloMax. One pill makes your penis larger and one pill makes your prostate small.

It’s a battle trying to keep that aging body from coming apart. If The Curse of 40 is that every ache and pain hurts twice as much and lasts twice as long, the curse goes exponential at 60. It takes effort and will power to fight the good fight.

So it’s no surprise that nearly 40% of adults 40-59 suffer from obesity. Many men in this age group think that a knife and fork are exercise equipment and sitting down to a big home cooked meal with their wives is working out with a personal trainer.

Subsequently, there are a whole lot of middle aged guys walking around with Dunlap’s Disease. Dunlap’s Disease is a gender specific affliction that affects the abdominal region. It gets its name from how it appears when a man is wearing pants and his belly done lapped over his belt. It ain’t any prettier when he isn’t wearing pants. There are men walking around this great country that haven’t looked down and seen their toes or their privates in years. They obviously haven’t seen themselves in profile or give a rat’s ass anyway.

I asked a buddy of mine how he let himself get into this condition and his answer was this – My wife is a great cook.
And with that in mind, it led to this…

In the kitchen my woman’s a winner
And I’m not one to be late for dinner.
If what my wife cooks
Was bought with my good looks….
I assure you, I’d be a lot thinner!

A “Magic and Chemistry” Poem and Two Limericks

I was recently reading an article on computer dating and it was about what people are looking for. There are many things – security, friendship, companionship, acceptance, a soul mate and other similar things. But the article said the number one thing that people are looking for in their profiles is CHEMISTRY.

They are looking for something intangible and hard to describe yet unquestionably real. It is powerful stuff and it can easily defeat common sense and good judgment. It can make talking difficult and can make thinking just about impossible. Sometimes they call it Magic.

Many years ago, I wrote a poem about Magic. I wasn’t trying to write an artistic romantic love poem. I was trying to get laid. I sat down and got to doing my thing and what I came away with was a real poem. I looked at it and said to myself, “this is pretty good stuff.” Before I sent to anyone, I let it sit for a few hours to see if I still wanted to send something like that out for the intended purpose. There was a lot more to this than the MDS classic “Roses are red, violets are blue, blow me.” This poem had potential emotional fallout attached to it. I put it away for when I needed it. I read it to Mimi at our wedding dinner and I read it at her funeral. There was no denying that we had it.
A little something in which I would like to believe,
Despite being the fine art of how to deceive;
Is Magic nothing more than a contrived illusion?
I’d prefer to embrace the illogical conclusion.
There is something Magical about human attraction –
How it ignites such a powerful yet natural reaction
That overwhelms and enslaves the body and mind
To search for something illusive you may never find.
Still, I believe that the moment her eyes met mine,
We found that Magic is something that is Truly Divine.

I found it one more time with Arleen. And it was much different. Mimi and I were very much alike and Arleen and I were opposites. But there was something about how she made me feel that made me want to be the very best me I could be for her – that is Magic and Chemistry at its best. I am sure I will recognize it if it ever comes my way again.

I was thinking about it this morning while walking the dog and the first limerick popped in my head. I had already written the second limerick. The two came together just like H2 & O – Chemistry!

You settle on things that to you are a must,
And there’s that pesky little matter of trust.
But if you’re looking to see
Magic and Chemistry…..
Could it be as simple as “like” plus “lust”?

Mother Nature will have her say,
And Human Nature will get its way.
Love’s Magic spell
Is truly au naturale…
And Chemistry is Nature at play.

A Six Line (Yes, it took six lines for this one!) State of The Union Limerick

I try to keep my limericks light and use them for jokes about relationships, sex, marriage, and getting old which are things that I know just enough about to be able to write my dumb jokes. But every so often, current events or some other serious thing causes me to think and reflect and make an observation and/or comment. I did that when the government was on the brink of shutting down because the partisan politics in Congress chose to butt heads rather than seek solutions. What this country now has is a very small number of buttheads (relative to the population of this great country) elected by an even relatively smaller number of citizens making decisions and laws that effect 350 million people in this country and around the world. This small powerful group exercise their rights to participate in the political process by buying elected officials on every level of government. And those bought and paid for elected public servants (?) are obligated to the smallest minority in the country, the people who garner power by using their wealth and influence to put their people into these positions of power. It is mind boggling to me.

I was thinking about this yesterday and this popped into my head. It was so disturbing that my creative process went into warp. I found myself in a parking lot writing it down and I realized that five lines was not going to do it. I wound up writing a mutant limerick about our mutant political situation. Trump is a mutant, right? But so Is Obama. Cover your heads and grab your ass – it’s election time.

Zealots claim to know what God would say.
And, of course, politics get in the way.
If our founding fathers only knew
Power would be held by so few…..
Smart people do stupid things every day
And it always has been and will be that way!

A “Give and Take” Relationship Limerick

The holidays are always a time to think about loved ones and what is important in our relationships with our friends, family and our life partners. I have been married three times. All three of my wives are and were wonderful kind sweet loving people but they had very different personalities. There were two things that they had in common that made it work for us. First, they loved me despite my idiosyncrasies and shortcomings and, second, they could all not only dish it out, but also take it. Like me, they had the ability to laugh at themselves and look for a ray of humor sunlight when things were dark and stormy.

That is essential to a good a relationship. Relationships are a two way street and they work best when there is a lot of mutual support and encouragement… and when the parties are able to see getting ripped as constructive criticism. I have a lot of experience at that. Thick skin with a Teflon coating goes a long way.

I was discussing this with a friend yesterday and she was telling me that her friends are utzing her all the time but she can take it….and also give it out….and it led to this –

Here’s a sure fire way to tell
If a relationship’s working swell.
You don’t pout or shout
When they’re dishing it out….
‘Cause they’re gonna be taking it as well!

A Lesson In Love Limerick – Could it be the first of many?

When I am writing about women and relationships, I always start every post with a disclaimer that I know nothing about women and, for the most part, they acknowledge that I know nothing about women and usually make a comment regarding my intellectual limitations which make it impossible for me to ever know anything about women. All of that is about 50% the truth and 50% me making fun of myself. I have been married to three wonderful women for over a total of thirty years. I have to know something beyond how to piss them off which I’ve got down pat.

Sadly, I am in a familiar place right now, alone. Not really alone; I have my Emily, a seven year old miniature schnauzer that Arleen rescued when she lived out in the country. She is very good company and a pretty demanding woman, too. But she is no substitute for the companionship of a woman who for whatever reason and sometimes reasons unknown wants to be with you. As I contemplate whether or not I am ready to seek the company of a special woman, I find myself thinking about all of the things that made my wives and women friends with whom I’ve had lasting friendships the special women that they were and still are.
With every one, a little romance went a long way. I’ve had a full range of reactions to my attempts to be romantic. I have gotten a little mileage out of writing poetry. When I won a Mother’s Day radio contest with a poem about Mimi, she would have kicked down the Gates of Hell and spit in the Devil’s face to prove her love to me, but also, I have been told, “Save that shit for the paying customers.” The problem with trying to be romantic is that they know you’re trying and then they’re trying to figure out why your trying. That can’t lead to anything but confusion.

It is really the simplest of things that deliver the best message – I love you. If you ever had your bedroom over a garage in Cleveland, OH during the winter, you know there is nothing better than snuggling. Unfortunately, my feet would turn to blocks of ice in late November and not warm up until Mother’s Day. That led to a lot of “Don’t touch me with those feet.” That situation required too much concentration to be able to get the max comfort……

Which is obtained in either Position A, which has a head on a shoulder, an arm across a chest and legs sort of intertwined or some spooning. In either case, it is the simple act of initiating the engagement that, frozen feet notwithstanding, says a lot with a little. And all that led to this –

No need to serenade her with a song
When it’s your touch that she wants all along.
You’ll make everything right
When you reach for her at night…..
She’s thinking, “What the hell took you so long?”

Another Marriage Limerick

Do not think that just because I have been married three times that I know anything about marriage or women. I would never be so bold as to suggest that I do. As they say, “I may be dumb, but I ain’t stupid.” And a man claiming that he has expert knowledge of the two aforementioned subjects would be profoundly stupid.

I only have to refer back to what may be the stupidest thing ever written in the English language -“Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”  (Of course, the author of this was an enormous commercial success pandering this stupidity) Come on. Every man that ever considers marriage or a committed relationship should be forced to read “Apologizing and Groveling For Dummies” Ask any woman. They will not only agree with my opinion of that quote from Love Story, but also offer some sort of take that would go something like this – “Love means not screwing up in the first place so you don’t need to beg for forgiveness, you moron!” (Feel free to insert the universal adjective when quoting me – for the record, all my wives did!) As I have said repeatedly, if I had a dollar for every time that one of my wives or girlfriends called me an idiot, I could live comfortably on the interest.

I had the misfortune of walking in on a couple of married friends of mine who were lighting each other up with full force. That’s not exactly true. She was deploying a scorched earth offensive and he was in cover your head, duck and run mode. I couldn’t back peddle out of there fast enough…..then I called my buddy and told him that things would get better and soon this would be behind him. His reply. “When?” ….. and it led to this –

When you follow her orders half assed,
You know her tirade’s gonna come hard and fast.
There’s really no telling
How long she’ll be yelling
And it ain’t history until it’s in the past.

So there’s no putting it behind you until the smoldering dies out as it can, and usually will, burst back into flames. I recommend flame retardant underwear.

A New Perspective On Sex Limerick

WARNING – Some material in this limerick may not be suitable for anyone who has not been called an idiot by their wife/wives or girlfriends.

Which is something that has been a pretty regular occurrence for me in my thirty years of marriage to three wives and my relationships with my many girlfriends when I wasn’t married. I would venture to say that if I had a dollar for anytime a wife or girlfriend called me an idiot, I could live comfortably off the interest.

I like sex. Always have and always will. But as I’ve grown older, I have found that I just don’t have the same level of desire and energy to make it happen. If it comes my way, I am not going to turn it away but is not something that I am going to put a lot effort into to make happen where it was once something that was a hot pursuit (pun intended.)

I once wished women would want to screw me.
Not a priority now that I’m sixty three.
I’ve even debated
That pussy’s overrated….
And not all that it’s cracked up to be!

A Few Las Vegas Limericks – #4

As I said before, I am not a sports bettor except when I am in Las Vegas. This is why. I can’t take it if there is a reversal of fortune on a meaningless play or a bounce of ball. And that stuff happens all the time…AND it always happens to me. This trip was no exception. Except that I made an exception to my personal policy and made a large bet, actually the largest total sports bet I ever made. I bet my Clemson Tigers which is something I never do as there is a risk of a double heartbreaking loss. I had $100 on Clemson, $50 on Temple and a $100 2 team parlay Clemson/Temple. $265 risked with the vig and potential $410 payoff. Both teams I bet on are good teams playing very well and they were playing fair/bad teams playing bad. But the teams I bet on found a way to make negative plays – both C & T had interceptions at the worst possible times – that affected the outcome of the bets. That stuff can send the unstable gambler straight to the roof and only a tout with a sure thing can talk him down.

After licking my wounds and pissing away the push money on the Clemson bet in a slot machine, I thought about the error of my ways and it led to this……

A bad beat gambling can sure kill a buzz.
Then you dwell on “What If’s,” not “What Was.”
Losing scars you for life,
But how you lose twists the knife……
If the losing doesn’t kill you, the “how” does!

A Few Las Vegas Limericks – #2 & #3

I am not a gambler. A couple trips to the track and an annual buddy trip to Vegas. That’s it. I am not a sports gambler except when I’m in Vegas. I like to shoot craps but it is an easy come (no pun intended) easier go game with large minimum bets and lots of dice rolls per hour. That is too much disaster exposure for me. I like the horses. You can make small bets and there is twenty minutes between races. Though there are lots of tracks going at the same time so you can go as nuts as you want .

Vegas – one of the world’s most dangerous places
Where losers walk around with long faces.
To limit my remorse
I’ll bet a little on a horse
And there’s lots of time between races.

Call it risk management. Horse handicapping requires skill. You have to be able to analyze data from past performance and try to have a predictive model using variables that carry weight based on how the individual handicapper values them. I am a connection bettor. I like trainers and jockeys. When I am at the track, I like the eye test. I like to look at the horses in the paddock and see who is alert, who looks like a Marvel Comic Superhero horse, who looks like they would rather be somewhere else, who wants to do the Mr. Ed and tell me they’re going to win (I’d settle for a wink). But there are many variables to look at and that is the fun of it. That and the name bets and silk color bets that come in once in a blue moon.

If I pick a winner, I’m tickled pink.
Handicapping requires you think.
Not my strongest suit
So with my pony pursuit
I’m at the paddock looking for a wink.

Wanna guess how many times that happened?