A “Fourth Of July” Limerick

Originally posted on Life is a Limerick:

Today it is not about a punch line. Our national holidays are a tribute to the men and women who served our nation. Our nation was born out of armed conflict and it has yet to escape having to deal with the death and destruction of war. It has been with blood, sweat and tears that we have been able to preserve our most precious possession – freedom.

More American than Mom’s apple pie
Is the FREEDOM upon which we rely.
It comes with a price –
The ultimate sacrifice.
Remember that this Fourth Of July.

Have a great holiday, everyone.

I’ll be back with more silly limericks soon enough.

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A Couple of Thoughts About Marriage, Common Law and Otherwise Limericks

I have been involved in a common law marriage and I have a friend who is now in a common law marriage. A license from the state the parties reside in is not the most important requirement for a marriage, legalities notwithstanding. The first requirement is that the two people want to married to each other and want the world to know that they are married, piece of paper in hand or not. Continue reading

A Just When I Thought I Might Be Less Immature Limerick

I thought that once I got to 60 that those uncontrollable urges to behave like a college sophomore would go away or at least not come around as much. What I have come to find is that is not the case and those urges are becoming a more regular occurrence. It happens almost all the time when I am writing limericks. That’s when I am laughing out loud at my own stupid jokes and, of course, having the most fun. My process starts with a punch line that hits the paper and then it is anything goes from there.

It is especially fun when the punch lines come during a ball busting session with your best buds. Who else do you get to test your material on? I am pretty lucky. I have some good friends that tolerate my silliness and encourage it

Houston was supposed to get blasted by a tropical storm. I called one of my regular test dummies to let him know that I was on high ground with matzo ball soup, a carrot cake, and other fun stuff and that I was accepting refugees from flooding zones. During our conversation, I mentioned that I had been told by my new girlfriend that I would be receiving a surprise shortly. Then I tested the punch line of the limerick that came from it on him and his response was a punch line in and of itself –

My girlfriend’s as sweet as she can be.
She said she has a surprise for me.
I so wanted to inquire,
But I fought off the desire….
To ask, “Is it going to burn when I pee?”

My buddy’s response to the punch line – “That’s exactly what I was thinking!”

A Not Singing In The Rain Limerick

Houston still has a problem. The good news is that the heavy overnight rain is receding fast and the flooding is way down. But it is still a mess. A very soggy mess. This was one of Mother Nature’s not so subtle reminders that she can be very nasty. Not a Hollywood set with Gene Kelly splashing around in love, this was people with bad luck and bad judgement having their cars getting washed around and others with just bad luck having their homes flooded. Not really the stuff that jokes are made of, but that didn’t stop me. This popped into my head…

The havoc a hard rain can bring
Is a very depressing thing,
So this must sound insane –
I love singing in the rain……
But when I do, I’m quickly told, “Joel, DON’T SING!”

A Flooded Streets Survival Limerick

Houston Texas is 50 feet above sea level and it doesn’t take too long for steady downpour to turn a lazy creek into a raging river. And the bayou drainage system is a flood waiting to happen. The surface roads here become lakes fast. This morning after the water went down I traveled into town and was amazed at how many cars were strewn in every direction all over the sides of the roads. Could that many people actually believe that their automobiles are amphibious? I’m thinking it has more to do with a combo of wrong place wrong time and just plain stupid. And it led to this.

Rain and flooding can be very scary.
And driving in it is hairy.
Stay home and stay dry
When the water is high
And your best transportation option’s a ferry!

An Utz-ing Limerick

  • Utz – To goad, to needle.

That is what my online Yiddish glossary calls it. We called it ball busting in high school and it is still ball busting to me.

It can be much more than that in the hands of skilled practitioners. It is both an art and a science. As a science, it is necessary to be able to predict and be ready for the increase in heart rate and blood pressure of the target, and also, the decrease in the IQ of the target. You need to be ready for retaliation.

And as an art form, it is the subtle use of language, innuendo, double entendre, and sarcasm to not only be demeaning, but also be funny doing it.

When it comes together just right, oh boy, game on. Now I have been married three times and I have known a lot of women. I think it would be fair for me to say that my utz-ing experience has been much more as the Utz-ee and not the Utz-er.. I’ve never really asked much of a woman – laugh at my dumb jokes, patronize my cooking, and tolerate any and all of my flaws, those clearly apparent now and those yet to be revealed but we all know are coming. You can see how I would fall into the target part of the utz-ing.

So I caught a little good natured utz-ing from someone recently. After I realized that I was getting utz-ed, I was able to laugh at myself which is how it is supposed to work when it is done right…..and it led to this

When engaging in lively repartee
And needing something clever to say
Here’s a good place to start
Be sarcastic and smart…..
A little utz-ing goes a long way!

A Passover Limerick

Happy Holidays.To all my Christian friends – Happy Easter. And to all my Jewish friends – Happy Passover. I went to my synagogue for a family Seder last night and it was very nice. 175 people were there. We have a pretty cool Rabbi who is a rock star wannabe and he puts on a good show with lots of guitar playing and singing. And, of course, it is very children friendly. Members of the congregation do the cooking and they did a wonderful job within the confines of the ingredients they are required to use. This morning while I was confined I squeezed out this little limerick. Let’s just say I was inspired……

Passover’s “Bread of Affliction” week
And despite great cooking technique,
Much to our consternation
The affliction’s constipation –
A bind that ties us Jews, so to speak!

Venus or Mars? You Can’t Tell The Players Without A Program

Life in the 21st century is a whole lot different from back when I went to college in the 70’s. Back then you had to go to the pharmacy counter and ask the pharmacist for condoms (unless you were buying them in gas station bathrooms – not) which could be a little unnerving. Now they are with the candy and magazines at the checkout counter. Who ever thought sex would become an impulse item? That is sex with someone other than yourself. The Great Society of the 60’s has morphed into The Anything Goes Society of the new millennium and that led to this

Venus or Mars

With Apologies to Laura Calder A “Let Me Tell You What I Really Think” limerick

I am a foodie. I follow Laura Calder. Laura is an accomplished chef, author and television personality. And she is absolutely gorgeous. easy to follow. Laura has a blog and in her blog she has revealed yet another talent – doodling. Her doodling in and of itself is worthy of following.

Laura posted a doodle entitled Let Me Tell You What I Really Think

http://lauracalder.com/let-me-tell-you/

When I saw it, this little limerick popped into my head. I hope Laura likes it.

Dirty dishes piled up in the sink.
Could I get you another drink?!?!
I’ll try to be nice.
Pal, you’re on thin ice
LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I REALLY THINK!

An Answer For Everything – Football Post-Partum Blues???

Ok ladies, you can come clean and admit that watching your man lard ass-ing around camped out on the sofa in front of the television every weekend from the beginning of September until the first week in February is personally offensive to you; as is the beer breath and other breakdowns in personal hygiene that accompany this football related gender specific OCD behavior. Continue reading