What I Know About Women…I Learned From All The Women I Have Been Lucky Enough To Know
Back when I was immature (last week)
And had urges to suppress,
I wanted to be a ladies man
And at times I would obsess.
It’s not all that it’s cracked up to be,
I’ve come to reassess.
I’ve tried to bat my baby blues
To get women to undress.
They’ve taught me when I go there…
Not to expect success.
But I’m a typical stupid man
So I keep trying, nonetheless.
I know next to nothing about women.
To that I’ll willingly confess.
I’d never suggest I had a clue,
Not even under duress
And if tested on the subject,
It would prove I know even less.
Women have gender specific wants and needs.
They have feelings they must express.
Why’d they want a stupid man to do that
Is anybody’s guess.
I thought being open and honest
Was a way I could impress,
But what I’ve come to discover
Is it’s a way for men to transgress.
Any time that I’ve been truthful,
I just caused them lots of stress.
If they already know the answer,
Why ask, “Do I look fat in this dress?”
Now, I can identify female fury,
Especially directed at me in excess.
Since I’m usually the cause of it,
I’ve learned to grovel with finesse.
I’ve been told a cranialrectomectomy
Was the only way I could redress.
Wow, that’s a frightening image
That I have to repress.
I have an uncanny ability
To find all the wrong buttons to press
That will unleash female ferocity
And make a gal aggress.
A woman on the warpath
Will wantonly oppress,
So my philosophy with women,
To which I openly profess,
Is always avoid arguments –
Retreat and acquiesce.
The path of least resistance
Is how I clean up a mess.
Please don’t think that I’m a misogynist.
That’s something I need to address.
I’ll admit I’m a recovering womanizer
With no intentions to regress.
Now there’s nothing that I’d rather do
Than save a damsel in distress.
Then give them all the TLC
They need to convalesce.
I’ve found that a good foot rub
Will be rewarded with largesse.
There’s no telling where you might end up
With a well timed sweet caress.
And when they ask if you (fill in the blank)
You had better answer “YES!”