A “Dunlap’s Disease” Limerick

There is no question that getting old sucks. I could have never imagined back in 1970, when I graduated high school, that the two pills in the first line of the song White Rabbit by the Jefferson Airplane would turn out to be Viagra and FloMax. One pill makes your penis larger and one pill makes your prostate small.

It’s a battle trying to keep that aging body from coming apart. If The Curse of 40 is that every ache and pain hurts twice as much and lasts twice as long, the curse goes exponential at 60. It takes effort and will power to fight the good fight.

So it’s no surprise that nearly 40% of adults 40-59 suffer from obesity. Many men in this age group think that a knife and fork are exercise equipment and sitting down to a big home cooked meal with their wives is working out with a personal trainer.

Subsequently, there are a whole lot of middle aged guys walking around with Dunlap’s Disease. Dunlap’s Disease is a gender specific affliction that affects the abdominal region. It gets its name from how it appears when a man is wearing pants and his belly done lapped over his belt. It ain’t any prettier when he isn’t wearing pants. There are men walking around this great country that haven’t looked down and seen their toes or their privates in years. They obviously haven’t seen themselves in profile or give a rat’s ass anyway.

I asked a buddy of mine how he let himself get into this condition and his answer was this – My wife is a great cook.
And with that in mind, it led to this…

In the kitchen my woman’s a winner
And I’m not one to be late for dinner.
If what my wife cooks
Was bought with my good looks….
I assure you, I’d be a lot thinner!

A Post Thanksgiving Problem – a monorhyme poetry challenge

The Poet’s Corner has some ongoing poetry challenges and I love that stuff. Though my favorite poetry form is the limerick, I enjoy a good rhyming challenge and this form – monorhyme – is right up my alley. What I Know About Women is a form of a monorhyme but with every other line being a monorhyme.

After a wonderful weekend of gourmet dining, this ditty popped into my head.

The Thanksgiving buffet was great,
But I am afraid I took the bait
And went back for plate after plate.
Now after everything I ate,
It’s time for a scale to state
What it’s going to take to abate
My waistline’s increased growth rate.
This isn’t open to debate –
This old man needs to lose weight!

But it sure was fun putting it on!

Another “Weight Loss Advice” Limerick

I am working on a script for Friday night and due to the nature of the competition having a theme and also having to be PG (which I like and I think is to my advantage), I am going to use as many limericks as I can. I think they could really work well on a weight loss support DVD as they can make a more lasting impression than a joke and they can have a support message.

I have won many radio contests with limericks – some really good prizes too. When the contest asked “why” and had a limited number of words, especially 25 words or less, a limerick is awesome. So why not go with something that I know works?

Here’s one I wrote last night. I had to jump out of bed and write it down before it escaped into the alte cocker void. I wrote the last line today as the first two lines rhyme words were challenging.

The way food appeals to our senses,
It makes us put down our defenses
Great smells and tastes
Can go straight to our waists
So our goals can’t be pretenses.

A “Weight Loss Advice” Limerick

I found a comedy contest that might be right up my alley. It is PG contest – family friendly material only – and the contest is to gather material for a weight loss support video. It is called Giggle Off The Jiggle. The contest is this Friday for the prelims and Saturday finals. It may be a great venue for a limerick laden routine.

Here’s the link to the website:

http://www.giggleoffthejiggle.com/

I have lost 20 pounds since the end of March with a very unorthodox weight loss method – I had half of my lower teeth removed for a jaw replacement surgery. I was on a liquid diet for six weeks and then it moved to an easy to chew diet since I lost half of the loading platform, so to speak. I have nice medical grade titanium bar stretching from my left ear to past the middle of my chin. My ability to open wide has been very restricted. I can not eat a hot dog in a bun let alone a real good Jewish deli piled high corned beef sandwich. I have to use tongue depressors as shims for jaw stretching therapy. Now there has to be some prop humor with that for sure. I also see a post cremation scrap metal joke in there which should work well as there is a scrap metal advertising icon in Houston who pounds the television and radio airways with his slogan, “We’ll pay you in two dollar bills!” My x-ray looks like The Terminator.

I think I already have some limericks that I can work around with this stuff and I wrote this one just now.

It takes will power for weight loss to last.
The urge to splurge can come over you fast.
So if you’re feeling blue
And you see a drive thru
The right thing to do is drive past.