A Couple of “Thanksgiving & Holiday Season Spread” Limericks

There’s nothing like a big turkey dinner.
This holiday meal’s always a winner.
With several platefuls, then dessert,
We eat ’til we hurt…
And no one ever leaves thinner.

An annual exercise worth repeating,
Where will power takes a beating.
It’s a day dedicated
To stomach’s dilated…
Thanksgiving calls for overeating!

Tis the season of my spreading ass.
Good thing, it soon will pass.
Due to the expanse
I can’t button my pants…
Redefining “critical mass.”

Happy Thanksgiving everyone – My best to everyone who has visited me at Life Is A Limerick and The Poetry Corner. I appreciate your support. I am thankful that there are people out there that like my silly limericks…amongst many other blessings I have received ( a great wife who knows me better than I know myself and still loves me anyway.)

Keep the faith and never lose your sense of humor. Those two things will always get you through.

A “Spin The Dreidel” Limerick

My favorite part of Hanukkah is playing Spin The Dreidel. The dreidel, or sevivon in Hebrew, is a four-sided spinning top that children play with on Hanukkah. Each side is imprinted with a Hebrew letter. These letters are an acronym for the Hebrew words נס גדול היה שם (Nes Gadol Haya Sham, “A great miracle happened there”), referring to the miracle of the oil that took place in the Beit Hamikdash. The way I play it involves another miracle of sorts – the miracle of carnal fun.

This is how I play Spin The Dreidel. It is a parlor game that is best played in the bedroom but is not limited to the bedroom. It is played with “partners,” so to speak – husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, and other consensual relationships. The rules according to Joel are this – one of the players spins the dreidel. If it comes up with a Hebrew letter showing, that player gets to have sex with their partner. I guess you could call it Hanukkah foreplay and it is in the Hanukkah tradition of “lighting a fire.”

My first wife was not a big fan of the game. Sex was not a game to her though she had her own set of rules for it. Her rules did involve a holiday. Her idea of good sex was to hop in the sack at five minutes before midnight on New Year’s Eve and finish up at five minutes after – that way she could knock off two years in ten minutes. She did not play Spin The Dreidel. She played Hide The Dreidel.

Wife Number 2 was a self-converted Jew and she loved to play Spin The Dreidel. She kept a dreidel on the kitchen table, the coffee table, the nightstand, in her purse and in her pocket. She was always ready to give it a spin. The fact that I survived eight nights of Hanukkah was a miracle.

Now my third wife is enjoying our interfaith marriage and she celebrates the Jewish holidays with me and I celebrate the Christian holidays with her. I must say that it doesn’t take a whole lot for non-Jewish people to grasp the concept of eight nights of gift giving, especially when they are on the receiving end. Being that we are newlyweds and I am a pushover…But she is not too keen on playing Spin The Dreidel. It has more to do with menopause than an aversion for sex (or me.) She takes such good care of me that this is one of those “you have to take the bad with the good” situations. Hey, she gave me golf lessons for an anniversary present. The tradeoff is in my favor – eighteen holes whenever I want in exchange for leaving one alone. So when I ask her if she wants to play Spin The Dreidel, she usually responds with her favorite remark, “Kravitz, you’re an idiot” and then follows it up with, “Go play with yourself.” I think she means, “Go play by yourself.”

Anyway, all this thinking about playing Spin The Dreidel led to this:

Here’s how Spin The Dreidel is played.
The players literally have it made.
If it comes up a Hebrew letter
The game gets better…
And the players are going to get laid!

A “Playing The Lottery” Limerick

Awoke this morning to find that I had eight Mega Millions lottery tickets with the Mega Ball 8 and I play the megaplier which was 3. WOO HOO. I’m thinking that with all those tickets that are going to pay that I am going to cash for a decent chunk of change, maybe enough to pay for our little Thanksgiving getaway to The Woodlands Resort (which is going to be around $600 including TG dinner, golf and spa packages for Friday.) Not the case. Two tickets paid $6 and six tickets paid $3 for a whopping $30 which may pay for the valet parking without tip. Hey, at least I had an elevated heart rate for a few minutes before I checked the rest of the numbers.

The lottery’s mostly for entertainment,
As winning’s not a realistic attainment.
Daydreams are beguiled
Imagination runs wild…
And it’s all you get for the money you spent!

A “Black Friday” Limerick

Thanksgiving is next week and that is truly the start of the season of over indulging. We have to push ourselves away from the table on Thursday and push ourselves into the stores on Friday or now Thursday night. We morph from gut busters into deal busters going straight from lining up at the dessert table to lining up outside of Target and Wal-Mart. Is this a great country or what? Overeating and over spending…a capital holiday tradition.

Black Friday is just a week away
When super shoppers fly into the fray.
Retail’s year depends
On how much everyone spends…
Hopefully, spending frenzy rules the day!
.