A Borscht Belt Senior Sex Limerick

I find the punchlines for my limericks in a lot of different places. My friends supply most of them. But current events and television provide many opportunities to hear something that just begs to become a limerick. This ditty came from TV.

I was watching JLTV (Jewish Living TV). They were showing a program of “classic” Jewish comedians and I turned it on in the middle of an old Borscht Belt routine being performed by a comic I didn’t recognize. He was doing his shtick with a “Jewish” accent, pronouncing his “s’s” like “sh” and his “w’s” like “v.” He looked familiar, but how could he not? He kind of looked like me and a whole lot of other Jewish guys I know – chiseled ethnic features (big nose and bushy eyebrows) and a chrome dome (bald).

He was telling a joke about one of my favorite subjects, Senior Sex, and I was riveted. When he got to the punchline, I knew that I had to turn the joke into a limerick. Hey, goniffing is a time honored tradition among Jewish comedians. And it led to this……

Senior Sex can be daunting when new,
So she wondered what she’d have to do.
She said, “Be honest with me.”
He replied, “Infrequently.”
And she asked, “Is that one word or two?”

A New Perspective On Sex Limerick

DISCLAIMER – I wrote this when I was sixty three and single. I am now married. Draw whatever conclusions you wish, but know I love my wife and I am not looking for trouble or anything else.

WARNING – Some material in this limerick may not be suitable for anyone who has not been called an idiot by their wife/wives or girlfriends.

Which is something that has been a pretty regular occurrence for me in my thirty plus years of marriage to four wives and my relationships with my many girlfriends when I wasn’t married. I would venture to say that if I had a dollar for anytime a wife or girlfriend called me an idiot, I could live comfortably off the interest.

I like sex. Always have and always will. But as I’ve grown older, I have found that I just don’t have the same level of desire and energy to make it happen. If it comes my way, I am not going to turn it away but is not something that I am going to put a lot of effort into to making happen where it was once something that was a hot pursuit (pun intended.)

I once wished women would want to screw me.
Now that’s no longer a priority.
I’ve even debated
That pussy’s overrated….
And not all that it’s cracked up to be!

An “Empathy Counts For Nothing” Limerick

Falling down is not good at any age. When you factor in “The Curse of 40” it goes from not good to potentially very bad. The Curse of 40 is this – on your 40th birthday, from that day forward, every ache and pain will hurt twice as much and will last twice as long. The best you can hope for going forward and battling the aging process is that it doesn’t get any worse than that. So when there is some distance from that cursed birthday, you can see how falling down has pain in the ass written all over it, literally and figuratively.

Unfortunately, falling down is exactly what happened to my girlfriend last night. A normally light on her feet ballroom dancer she caught a wet spot on the kitchen floor and it was “watch her feet go past her head on the way down” time. Ouch. Leg, head, and, of course, ass, as in pain in the ass. Throw in that your boyfriend also brings that quality to the table and what you have there is a perfect storm for an add insult to injury kind of limerick.

After my Sweetie went bottoms up
I knew we were not going to shtup.
I said, “I feel your pain
So I suggest we refrain.”
She replied, “Stop trying to cheer me up.”

The Things We Do For Love – Senior Edition

I have been contemplating life going forward unmarried. Life is much different with a wife, especially one who pays attention, is detail oriented and holds you accountable.

I was doing some grooming recently and I could clearly “hear” my Arleen “reminding” me to get out the weed wacker and machete and clear a path in my ears and nose. She was fascinated at how hair stopped growing on most of my head yet won’t stop growing out of the cavities in my head. And she was always quick to comment on it.

Of course, I put on my safety glasses, got out the power tools and went to wacking…thinking of her.

And it led to this….

When you find yourself in Love’s throes,
You think that it’s everything goes.
Life is a blur.
Anything for her…
You’ll trim the hair in your ears and your nose!


A “Senior Perspective” Limerick

We change the way we look at a lot of things as we get older. And priorities change. When we are newly weds in our twenties and thirties, men think that the bedroom is the most important room in the house. In our forties and fifties, that changes to the kitchen and after that, the kitchen doesn’t lose it’s lofty status but the bathroom may move up the chart and pass the bedroom for second place. I can say that fortunately, the bedroom is still ahead of the bathroom in my world…an on any given night the bedroom can still give the kitchen a run for it’s money.

But I am a lucky guy. First of all, I am old, bald, toothless and unemployed and I still was able to find someone who loves me and she is not deaf, dumb, blind and smell impaired. What are the odds??? AND, she is a fabulous cook. She knows her way around the kitchen. She loves to cook and I love to eat (as best I can), so we are a match made in heaven (maybe literally…) But, as they say, you have to take the bad with the good…

And it led to this

I’ve been officially put on alert
She said her libido’s inert
I said, “With your cooking skills
Who needs sexual thrills?”
She said, “I think I’ll start making dessert!”

Marital Advice – Dance In The Kitchen

I do my best work in two rooms in the house – the kitchen and the bedroom. And good work in the former can always lead to better work in the latter. Being able to work together in the kitchen is a skill. It takes teamwork, cooperation, trust, and creative collaboration. Those things also work well in the bedroom. When done right it will always lead to a good time and mucho fun.

A “cooking party” starts with some form of alchohol to loosen things up – a little wine, a few Tequila shots with beer chasers (when you are trying to speed things up) – and some music…which will lead to dancing. Dancing in the kitchen is a great thing.

Here’s a tip for marital bliss.
It’s a recipe that can’t miss:
Don’t be bitchin’,
And dance in the kitchen…
You just might get more than a kiss!

Senior Sex

Now let’s move on to a more intimate issue that becomes more personal as we grow older – senior sex. When we were young and thought about our parents, it was unimaginable. Now that we are grandparents, I can still do a lot more than just imagine it.

Senior sex is not taboo.
It’s something that I subscribe to.
Our kids hate knowing
We’re still blowing and going….
Us alte cockers still like to screw!

But it is not as if it isn’t fraught with peril. For men, trying to get laid is a very difficult life long pursuit as we are up against the most formidable adversary – women. And as we age the problematic aspects increase with menopause which geometrically increases the degree of difficulty. It can be a roller coaster ride and sometimes the train is off the tracks. You just have to deal with it, and that’s not all bad.

I’ve been officially put on alert.
She told me her libido’s inert.
I said, “With your cooking skills,
Who needs carnal thrills?”
She said, “I think I’ll start making dessert