Another Chemistry Lesson Limerick

I’ve read a lot of online dating profiles. They fascinate me. To my naked eye, there are two things that women are looking for in a man – chemistry and an income greater than $100.000.00. I have to admit that would be a nice two team parlay.

As far as the money part goes, that’s pretty cut and dry. He’s either got it or he doesn’t and he’s either honest or a liar. An intelligent woman will figure that out fast.

The Chemistry part has a lot more to it. Intellectual compatibility goes a long way with talking and laughing which are essential to oral intercourse. Those things keep the fire burning. And then there’s that other intercourse that lights the fire …..

Like thinking answers a call.
Like humor will always enthrall.
But you need satisfaction
From animal attraction
If you’re wanting to have it all!

A Borscht Belt Senior Sex Limerick

I find the punchlines for my limericks in a lot of different places. My friends supply most of them. But current events and television provide many opportunities to hear something that just begs to become a limerick. This ditty came from TV.

I was watching JLTV (Jewish Living TV). They were showing a program of “classic” Jewish comedians and I turned it on in the middle of an old Borscht Belt routine being performed by a comic I didn’t recognize. He was doing his shtick with a “Jewish” accent, pronouncing his “s’s” like “sh” and his “w’s” like “v.” He looked familiar, but how could he not? He kind of looked like me and a whole lot of other Jewish guys I know – chiseled ethnic features (big nose and bushy eyebrows) and a chrome dome (bald).

He was telling a joke about one of my favorite subjects, Senior Sex, and I was riveted. When he got to the punchline, I knew that I had to turn the joke into a limerick. Hey, goniffing is a time honored tradition among Jewish comedians. And it led to this……

Senior Sex can be daunting when new,
So she wondered what she’d have to do.
She said, “Be honest with me.”
He replied, “Infrequently.”
And she asked, “Is that one word or two?”

A “Computer Dating Disclaimer” Limerick

I have experience with computer dating. It works for people every day. It’s worked for me. I married two women I met on Match and made many lasting friendships. One of the problems with computer dating is misrepresentation. People post 40 year old pictures and embellish their self-descriptions. In many cases, they are simply describing themselves the way that they want to be and not how they actually are. They are looking for an edge, something that will make them stand out amongst the crowd, but unfortunately it does not change the reality of who they really are. An example would be stating that they are financially secure and that really means that their checking account is not overdrawn at the moment.

I do not misrepresent myself. I am a goofball and I say that I am a goofball. I am selectively immature when I can be and I say that I am immature. My pictures are recent and if someone were to meet me, they would recognize me immediately.

Of course, I use limericks in my profile to try and make myself look clever and witty, but the reader has to be the judge of that. I use a few that I have posted here on the blog and I won’t re-post those here. I did write one this week which I added to my profile and this could be as truthful a representation and “disclaimer” that I could put out there.

I’ve had relationships fall apart,
And I’m not saying this just to be smart.
I’m foolish and lazy
And I drive women crazy….
So it’s best they don’t have a head start!

A “Classy Woman” Limerick

I have done computer dating, very successfully, I might say. I married two women I met on Match and I have made several lasting friendships. I am intrigued with how people will describe themselves to make themselves attractive to the type of person they are hoping to meet, and also how they describe the person they are trying to meet. Everyone is looking for some kind of personal niche which sets them apart. I have read some very creative and well written profiles where I have had to send a message to the writer if for no other reason than to compliment them on a job well done. As for my own profile, what do you think? A few goofy limericks and a four liner – no misrepresention.

But misrepresentation and delusion run rampant on computer dating sites. Certainly, people are entitled to hold themselves in high esteem. If you don’t think that you are some kind of a grand prize for a lucky winner, then you might end up settling for a booby prize. Still, a little honesty with the person in the mirror goes a long way towards finding a match that is well suited for you.

One of the keywords used in self-description is “Class.” The Urban Dictionary defines it as “A person who is poised, graceful, mature, or exudes any of these qualities in dress, mannerism, language, and everyday life. Possesses excellent self-control, is gentle, soothing, and not offensive.” I can see how a woman would want to describe herself as being classy or having class. But class is something you have to see for yourself and I would question the humility of someone who advertised having class, as I think it is not something that a person with class would do. And that led to this.

My definition of a woman with class
A gal without a stick up her ass.
But she’ll like a good poking
And I’ll know if she’s joking
When she’s ripping me with her merciless sass!

A “Magic and Chemistry” Poem and Two Limericks

I was recently reading an article on computer dating and it was about what people are looking for. There are many things – security, friendship, companionship, acceptance, a soul mate and other similar things. But the article said the number one thing that people are looking for in their profiles is CHEMISTRY.

They are looking for something intangible and hard to describe yet unquestionably real. It is powerful stuff and it can easily defeat common sense and good judgment. It can make talking difficult and can make thinking just about impossible. Sometimes they call it Magic.

Many years ago, I wrote a poem about Magic. I wasn’t trying to write an artistic romantic love poem. I was trying to seduce someone. I sat down and got to doing my thing and what I came away with was a real poem. I looked at it and said to myself, “this is pretty good stuff.” Before I sent to anyone, I let it sit for a few hours to see if I still wanted to send something like that out for the intended purpose. This poem had potential emotional fallout attached to it. I put it away.  I would read it to my first late wife at our wedding dinner and I read it at her funeral. There was no denying that we had it.

Magic

A little something in which I would like to believe,
Despite being the fine art of how to deceive;
Incantations say that “Love Is Grand,”
But hearts can be broken by slight of hand.
Is Magic nothing more than a contrived illusion?
I’d prefer to embrace the illogical conclusion
That there is Magic in human attraction –
How it ignites such a powerful yet natural reaction
That overwhelms and enslaves the body and mind
To pursue something you thought you may never find.
And, I believe that the moment her eyes met mine,
We found that Magic is something that is Truly Divine.

I found it one more time with my second late wife. And it was much different. My first late wife and I were very much alike and my second late wife and I were opposites. But there was something about how she made me feel that made me want to be the very best me I could be for her – that is Magic and Chemistry at its best. I am sure I will recognize it if it ever comes my way again. (Note – it has, and I did!)

I was thinking about Magic and the subtle difference between Magic and Chemistry when the first limerick popped in my head. I had already written the second limerick. The two came together just like H2 & O – Chemistry!

You settle on things that to you are a must,
And there’s that pesky little matter of trust.
But if you’re looking to see
Magic and Chemistry…..
Could it be as simple as “like” plus “lust”?

Mother Nature will have her say,
And Human Nature will get its way.
Love’s Magic spell
Is truly au naturale…
And Chemistry is Nature at play.

A “Give and Take” Relationship Limerick

The holidays are always a time to think about loved ones and what is important in our relationships with our friends, family and our life partners. I have been married three times. All three of my wives are and were wonderful kind sweet loving people but they had very different personalities. There were two things that they had in common that made it work for us. First, they loved me despite my idiosyncrasies and shortcomings and, second, they could all not only dish it out, but also take it. Like me, they had the ability to laugh at themselves and look for a ray of humor sunlight when things were dark and stormy.

That is essential to a good a relationship. Relationships are a two way street and they work best when there is a lot of mutual support and encouragement… and when the parties are able to see getting ripped as constructive criticism. I have a lot of experience at that. Thick skin with a Teflon coating goes a long way.

I was discussing this with a friend yesterday and she was telling me that her friends are utzing her all the time but she can take it….and also give it out….and it led to this –

Here’s a sure fire way to tell
If a relationship’s working swell.
You don’t pout or shout
When they’re dishing it out….
‘Cause they’re gonna be taking it as well!

A Lesson In Love Limerick – Could it be the first of many?

When I am writing about women and relationships, I always start every post with a disclaimer that I know nothing about women and, for the most part, they acknowledge that I know nothing about women and usually make a comment regarding my intellectual limitations which make it impossible for me to ever know anything about women. All of that is about 50% the truth and 50% me making fun of myself. I have been married to three wonderful women for over a total of thirty years. I have to know something beyond how to piss them off which I’ve got down pat.

Sadly, I am in a familiar place right now, alone. Not really alone; I have my Emily, a seven year old miniature schnauzer that Arleen rescued when she lived out in the country. She is very good company and a pretty demanding woman, too. But she is no substitute for the companionship of a woman who for whatever reason and sometimes reasons unknown wants to be with you. As I contemplate whether or not I am ready to seek the company of a special woman, I find myself thinking about all of the things that made my wives and women friends with whom I’ve had lasting friendships the special women that they were and still are.
With every one, a little romance went a long way. I’ve had a full range of reactions to my attempts to be romantic. I have gotten a little mileage out of writing poetry. When I won a Mother’s Day radio contest with a poem about Mimi, she would have kicked down the Gates of Hell and spit in the Devil’s face to prove her love to me, but also, I have been told, “Save that shit for the paying customers.” The problem with trying to be romantic is that they know you’re trying and then they’re trying to figure out why your trying. That can’t lead to anything but confusion.

It is really the simplest of things that deliver the best message – I love you. If you ever had your bedroom over a garage in Cleveland, OH during the winter, you know there is nothing better than snuggling. Unfortunately, my feet would turn to blocks of ice in late November and not warm up until Mother’s Day. That led to a lot of “Don’t touch me with those feet.” That situation required too much concentration to be able to get the max comfort……

Which is obtained in either Position A, which has a head on a shoulder, an arm across a chest and legs sort of intertwined or some spooning. In either case, it is the simple act of initiating the engagement that, frozen feet notwithstanding, says a lot with a little. And all that led to this –

No need to serenade her with a song
When it’s your touch that she wants all along.
You’ll make everything right
When you reach for her at night…..
She’s thinking, “What the hell took you so long?”

Another Marriage Limerick

Do not think that just because I have been married three times that I know anything about marriage or women. I would never be so bold as to suggest that I do. As they say, “I may be dumb, but I ain’t stupid.” And a man claiming that he has expert knowledge of the two aforementioned subjects would be profoundly stupid.

I only have to refer back to what may be the stupidest thing ever written in the English language -“Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” (Of course, the author of this was an enormous commercial success pandering this stupidity) Come on. Every man that ever considers marriage or a committed relationship should be forced to read “Apologizing and Groveling For Dummies” Ask any woman. They will not only agree with my opinion of that quote from Love Story, but also offer some sort of take that would go something like this – “Love means not screwing up in the first place so you don’t need to beg for forgiveness, you moron!” (Feel free to insert the universal adjective when quoting me – for the record, all my wives did!) As I have said repeatedly, if I had a dollar for every time that one of my wives or girlfriends called me an idiot, I could live comfortably on the interest.

I had the misfortune of walking in on a couple of married friends of mine who were lighting each other up with full force. That’s not exactly true. She was deploying a scorched earth offensive and he was in cover your head, duck and run mode. I couldn’t back peddle out of there fast enough…..then I called my buddy and told him that things would get better and soon this would be behind him. His reply. “When?” ….. and it led to this –

When you follow her orders half assed,

Her tirade’s gonna come hard and fast.
There’s really no telling
How long she’ll be yelling
And it ain’t history until it’s in the past.

So there’s no putting it behind you until the smoldering dies out as it can, and usually will, burst back into flames. I recommend flame retardant underwear.

A “Stupid Man Card” Limerick

I was recently introduced to woman at a social engagement. We seemed to hit it off and during our conversation, I came to learn that she had a Facebook page. Since I use Facebook to build a platform to promote my limericks, I went to her Facebook page and sent her to a “friend request” so I could invite her to “like” the An Answer For Everything Facebook page.

She did not accept my “friend request.” Yet. She told me that she was playing the “girl card” which I took to mean using a woman’s prerogative to “think about it.” Hey, I would think about it too before I publicly became friends with me….and that led to this…which I sent to her…

I am impressed with your “girl card” play.
I like a woman who wants things her way.
But just to be fair,
Buyer Beware….
I have a “stupid man card” tucked away.

A Couple of Thoughts About Marriage, Common Law and Otherwise Limericks

I have been involved in a common law marriage and I have a friend who is now in a common law marriage. A license from the state the parties reside in is not the most important requirement for a marriage, legalities notwithstanding. The first requirement is that the two people want to married to each other and want the world to know that they are married, piece of paper in hand or not. Continue reading