A “Computer Dating Disclaimer” Limerick

I have experience with computer dating. It works for people every day. It’s worked for me. I married two women I met on Match and made many lasting friendships. One of the problems with computer dating is misrepresentation. People post 40 year old pictures and embellish their self-descriptions. In many cases, they are simply describing themselves the way that they want to be and not how they actually are. They are looking for an edge, something that will make them stand out amongst the crowd, but unfortunately it does not change the reality of who they really are. An example would be stating that they are financially secure and that really means that their checking account is not overdrawn at the moment.

I do not misrepresent myself. I am a goofball and I say that I am a goofball. I am selectively immature when I can be and I say that I am immature. My pictures are recent and if someone were to meet me, they would recognize me immediately.

Of course, I use limericks in my profile to try and make myself look clever and witty, but the reader has to be the judge of that. I use a few that I have posted here on the blog and I won’t re-post those here. I did write one this week which I added to my profile and this could be as truthful a representation and “disclaimer” that I could put out there.

I’ve had relationships fall apart,
And I’m not saying this just to be smart.
I’m foolish and lazy
And I drive women crazy….
So it’s best they don’t have a head start!

A Woman’s Prerogative Limerick

I have a friend who has a very wonderful purse and handbag collection. She has great taste and a great eye for fashion. My friend has been able to have all the great designers in her collection. I have had the fun and pleasure of accompanying her when she has been looking to add to the collection. I can’t see how having a little expertise in handbags can be a bad thing. And I still find it interesting that a wallet can cost more than half of the cars I had in college – a lot more!

We recently did a little purse shopping but not for the collection. We were looking for a nice little functional purse at Macy’s. There was 2000 square feet of store space for this type of merchandise. Perspective – same size as my house. While my friend and her girls were making a selection from the many hundreds of bags they were sifting through, this little thing popped in my head…

Indecision – is there anything worse?
So a woman’s prerogative is really a curse.
With so much doubt,
I’ll never figure out…
How a woman picks out a purse!

A “Give and Take” Relationship Limerick

The holidays are always a time to think about loved ones and what is important in our relationships with our friends, family and our life partners. I have been married three times. All three of my wives are and were wonderful kind sweet loving people but they had very different personalities. There were two things that they had in common that made it work for us. First, they loved me despite my idiosyncrasies and shortcomings and, second, they could all not only dish it out, but also take it. Like me, they had the ability to laugh at themselves and look for a ray of humor sunlight when things were dark and stormy.

That is essential to a good a relationship. Relationships are a two way street and they work best when there is a lot of mutual support and encouragement… and when the parties are able to see getting ripped as constructive criticism. I have a lot of experience at that. Thick skin with a Teflon coating goes a long way.

I was discussing this with a friend yesterday and she was telling me that her friends are utzing her all the time but she can take it….and also give it out….and it led to this –

Here’s a sure fire way to tell
If a relationship’s working swell.
You don’t pout or shout
When they’re dishing it out….
‘Cause they’re gonna be taking it as well!

A “Stupid Man Card” Limerick

I was recently introduced to woman at a social engagement. We seemed to hit it off and during our conversation, I came to learn that she had a Facebook page. Since I use Facebook to build a platform to promote my limericks, I went to her Facebook page and sent her to a “friend request” so I could invite her to “like” the An Answer For Everything Facebook page.

She did not accept my “friend request.” Yet. She told me that she was playing the “girl card” which I took to mean using a woman’s prerogative to “think about it.” Hey, I would think about it too before I publicly became friends with me….and that led to this…which I sent to her…

I am impressed with your “girl card” play.
I like a woman who wants things her way.
But just to be fair,
Buyer Beware….
I have a “stupid man card” tucked away.

A Couple of Thoughts About Marriage, Common Law and Otherwise Limericks

I have been involved in a common law marriage and I have a friend who is now in a common law marriage. A license from the state the parties reside in is not the most important requirement for a marriage, legalities notwithstanding. The first requirement is that the two people want to married to each other and want the world to know that they are married, piece of paper in hand or not. Continue reading

A Just When I Thought I Might Be Less Immature Limerick

I thought that once I got to 60 that those uncontrollable urges to behave like a college sophomore would go away or at least not come around as much. What I have come to find is that is not the case and those urges are becoming a more regular occurrence. It happens almost all the time when I am writing limericks. That’s when I am laughing out loud at my own stupid jokes and, of course, having the most fun. My process starts with a punch line that hits the paper and then it is anything goes from there.

It is especially fun when the punch lines come during a ball busting session with your best buds. Who else do you get to test your material on? I am pretty lucky. I have some good friends that tolerate my silliness and encourage it

Houston was supposed to get blasted by a tropical storm. I called one of my regular test dummies to let him know that I was on high ground with matzo ball soup, a carrot cake, and other fun stuff and that I was accepting refugees from flooding zones. During our conversation, I mentioned that I had been told by my new girlfriend that I would be receiving a surprise shortly. Then I tested the punch line of the limerick that came from it on him and his response was a punch line in and of itself –

My girlfriend’s as sweet as she can be.
She said she has a surprise for me.
I so wanted to inquire,
But I fought off the desire….
To ask, “Is it going to burn when I pee?”

My buddy’s response to the punch line – “That’s exactly what I was thinking!”

With Apologies to Laura Calder A “Let Me Tell You What I Really Think” limerick

I am a foodie. I follow Laura Calder. Laura is an accomplished chef, author and television personality. And she is absolutely gorgeous. easy to follow. Laura has a blog and in her blog she has revealed yet another talent – doodling. Her doodling in and of itself is worthy of following.

Laura posted a doodle entitled Let Me Tell You What I Really Think

http://lauracalder.com/let-me-tell-you/

When I saw it, this little limerick popped into my head. I hope Laura likes it.

Dirty dishes piled up in the sink.
Could I get you another drink?!?!
I’ll try to be nice.
Pal, you’re on thin ice
LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I REALLY THINK!

An Answer For Everything – Football Post-Partum Blues???

Ok ladies, you can come clean and admit that watching your man lard ass-ing around camped out on the sofa in front of the television every weekend from the beginning of September until the first week in February is personally offensive to you; as is the beer breath and other breakdowns in personal hygiene that accompany this football related gender specific OCD behavior. Continue reading