A “Flagrant Foul” Limerick

I got tossed last night. And not for arguing balls and strikes. Though to be consistent with the baseball metaphor, I was sent to the showers for missing a sign and trying to steal a base on my own. I was out by a mile. Rally cut short. No chance to get into scoring position.

And we weren’t even watching baseball. We were watching football. I was trying to show my friend what “illegal use of hands” was and I must have given her too good of a demonstration. Lets just say, there were whistles blowing and flags flying all over the field. And, as I was to discover, the penalty for that foul is not only down and distance, but also comes with an automatic ejection. She told me “Flagrant Feeling” may also carry a game suspension. I told her, I’d be appealing that and it all led to this……

Expert in relationship plea bargain dealing,
I’ve gotten off for attempted kiss stealing.
But girls have slapped me
With a stiff penalty….
And ejected me for flagrant cop-a-feel-ing.

A “Foot In Mouth Disease” Limerick

Let me begin by saying that a lot of what I am writing about here, I learned from first-hand experience. I have long been guilty of talking without thinking first. Once those words escape past your teeth, there is no turning back and you have done something that Honest Abe Lincoln advised us against.

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.”

With me there was never a doubt. As lifelong standup comic wannabe, I recklessly went after every cheap laugh I could and that would usually end up with any and all of my three wives calling me an idiot and me apologizing for being an idiot. I have backed off in my old age and now use the written word more for joke telling as it comes with a delete button so you can edit it before you’re regretting it.

We all known smart people, very smart people without a lick of common sense or social skills or both. My mom had a life partner who graduated sum a cum laude from Smith. My mom was almost expelled from high school a week before graduation for setting off a cherry bomb in cooking class. Her partner couldn’t cross the street unless mom told her it was ok to go.

I have described people like this, especially the one’s totally lacking tact and social skills, as Homer Simpson’s with a 125 IQ. They are Mindless Mensa’s and you never know what is going to come out of their mouths.

After a recent episode with someone who has the uncanny ability to always say the wrong thing at the wrong time, when I got done asking him the universal rhetorical question (“Are you out of your fucking mind?”) I offered some unsolicited free advice which became the last line of this limerick.

We all know people with a beautiful mind.
Despite they’re high IQ’s we find
They’ll say stupid things
And with the backlash it brings….
They need to quit while they’re behind!