An “Interfaith Marriage” Limerick

This is my second holiday season with wife number three. Last year we didn’t do much. We were coming off of our wedding and honeymoon in October. We lit a menorah for Hanukkah and hung some stockings, but we were not especially festive. This year, my darling wife wanted to get more into it and she wanted to put up a tree – a fresh real tree. She has an artificial tree which she has put up before, however, it is in the attic and it is a pain in the butt to schlep down and assemble. So she decided it was going to be an brought in fresh from Oregon fir tree. Hey, I’m good with whatever she wants and we have a truck. Besides, it would be my first real Christmas tree.

Wife #1 is very Jewish. There is a better chance that Jesus would show up at her door than her ever having a Christmas tree. Besides, she is a Scroogette extraordinaire – makes the Grinch look like one of Santa’s elfs.

Wife #2 self converted to Judaism and she became overly festive for Hanukkah. She had so many menorahs that if she lit them all they could light up a runway at the airport. This led to her being banned by me from going to Jewish gift shops. When her grandkids were with us, she put up stockings for the kids. No tree.

Wife #3 was raised Catholic and despite personal differences with the Catholic Church, she remains a Christian. There is a crucifix over the front door and a mezuzah on the doorpost. When we got married we had a minister and a rabbi. She is open minded and so am I. We have a great interfaith marriage.

We put up my first Christmas tree,
And I must say, it is something to see.
Despite both of our quirks
Our interfaith marriage works…
My wife uses more Yiddish than me!

Once she learned how much fun it is to say schtup, putz, schmuck, and her favorite, farkakte, it flows out of her like she’s Madeline Kahn in a Mel Brooks movie.

Ashley House 062

A “Spin The Dreidel” Limerick

My favorite part of Hanukkah is playing Spin The Dreidel. The dreidel, or sevivon in Hebrew, is a four-sided spinning top that children play with on Hanukkah. Each side is imprinted with a Hebrew letter. These letters are an acronym for the Hebrew words נס גדול היה שם (Nes Gadol Haya Sham, “A great miracle happened there”), referring to the miracle of the oil that took place in the Beit Hamikdash. The way I play it involves another miracle of sorts – the miracle of carnal fun.

This is how I play Spin The Dreidel. It is a parlor game that is best played in the bedroom but is not limited to the bedroom. It is played with “partners,” so to speak – husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, and other consensual relationships. The rules according to Joel are this – one of the players spins the dreidel. If it comes up with a Hebrew letter showing, that player gets to have sex with their partner. I guess you could call it Hanukkah foreplay and it is in the Hanukkah tradition of “lighting a fire.”

My first wife was not a big fan of the game. Sex was not a game to her though she had her own set of rules for it. Her rules did involve a holiday. Her idea of good sex was to hop in the sack at five minutes before midnight on New Year’s Eve and finish up at five minutes after – that way she could knock off two years in ten minutes. She did not play Spin The Dreidel. She played Hide The Dreidel.

Wife Number 2 was a self-converted Jew and she loved to play Spin The Dreidel. She kept a dreidel on the kitchen table, the coffee table, the nightstand, in her purse and in her pocket. She was always ready to give it a spin. The fact that I survived eight nights of Hanukkah was a miracle.

Now my third wife is enjoying our interfaith marriage and she celebrates the Jewish holidays with me and I celebrate the Christian holidays with her. I must say that it doesn’t take a whole lot for non-Jewish people to grasp the concept of eight nights of gift giving, especially when they are on the receiving end. Being that we are newlyweds and I am a pushover…But she is not too keen on playing Spin The Dreidel. It has more to do with menopause than an aversion for sex (or me.) She takes such good care of me that this is one of those “you have to take the bad with the good” situations. Hey, she gave me golf lessons for an anniversary present. The tradeoff is in my favor – eighteen holes whenever I want in exchange for leaving one alone. So when I ask her if she wants to play Spin The Dreidel, she usually responds with her favorite remark, “Kravitz, you’re an idiot” and then follows it up with, “Go play with yourself.” I think she means, “Go play by yourself.”

Anyway, all this thinking about playing Spin The Dreidel led to this:

Here’s how Spin The Dreidel is played.
The players literally have it made.
If it comes up a Hebrew letter
The game gets better…
And the players are going to get laid!