A “Know Thyself” Limerick

With computer dating, a person has to write a profile and give a self description. A lot of fiction gets written there. Not me. I am a happy retired goofball who can make people laugh and smile with five lines of doggerel and either you are going to get me and like me or you’re not. The profile also has a “profile name” where you can use a moniker to “advertise” or “brand” yourself.

I have used “Unusually Sweet.” I’m good with Unusual. It is another, softer way of how my beloved daughter describes me, “Dad, you are so weird, but in a good way.” I hope that Sweet is self-explanatory. Know thyself in two words….and, of course, a limerick.

Unusual is Unique on display.
And with Sweet, it’s a winning parlay.
Those things make Life fun
And keep the Blues on the run…..
I could never be any other way!

Another Chemistry Lesson Limerick

I’ve read a lot of online dating profiles. They fascinate me. To my naked eye, there are two things that women are looking for in a man – chemistry and an income greater than $100.000.00. I have to admit that would be a nice two team parlay.

As far as the money part goes, that’s pretty cut and dry. He’s either got it or he doesn’t and he’s either honest or a liar. An intelligent woman will figure that out fast.

The Chemistry part has a lot more to it. Intellectual compatibility goes a long way with talking and laughing which are essential to oral intercourse. Those things keep the fire burning. And then there’s that other intercourse that lights the fire …..

Like thinking answers a call.
Like humor will always enthrall.
But you need satisfaction
From animal attraction
If you’re wanting to have it all!

A “Computer Dating Disclaimer” Limerick

I have experience with computer dating. It works for people every day. It’s worked for me. I married two women I met on Match and made many lasting friendships. One of the problems with computer dating is misrepresentation. People post 40 year old pictures and embellish their self-descriptions. In many cases, they are simply describing themselves the way that they want to be and not how they actually are. They are looking for an edge, something that will make them stand out amongst the crowd, but unfortunately it does not change the reality of who they really are. An example would be stating that they are financially secure and that really means that their checking account is not overdrawn at the moment.

I do not misrepresent myself. I am a goofball and I say that I am a goofball. I am selectively immature when I can be and I say that I am immature. My pictures are recent and if someone were to meet me, they would recognize me immediately.

Of course, I use limericks in my profile to try and make myself look clever and witty, but the reader has to be the judge of that. I use a few that I have posted here on the blog and I won’t re-post those here. I did write one this week which I added to my profile and this could be as truthful a representation and “disclaimer” that I could put out there.

I’ve had relationships fall apart,
And I’m not saying this just to be smart.
I’m foolish and lazy
And I drive women crazy….
So it’s best they don’t have a head start!

A “Classy Woman” Limerick

I have done computer dating, very successfully, I might say. I married two women I met on Match and I have made several lasting friendships. I am intrigued with how people will describe themselves to make themselves attractive to the type of person they are hoping to meet, and also how they describe the person they are trying to meet. Everyone is looking for some kind of personal niche which sets them apart. I have read some very creative and well written profiles where I have had to send a message to the writer if for no other reason than to compliment them on a job well done. As for my own profile, what do you think? A few goofy limericks and a four liner – no misrepresention.

But misrepresentation and delusion run rampant on computer dating sites. Certainly, people are entitled to hold themselves in high esteem. If you don’t think that you are some kind of a grand prize for a lucky winner, then you might end up settling for a booby prize. Still, a little honesty with the person in the mirror goes a long way towards finding a match that is well suited for you.

One of the keywords used in self-description is “Class.” The Urban Dictionary defines it as “A person who is poised, graceful, mature, or exudes any of these qualities in dress, mannerism, language, and everyday life. Possesses excellent self-control, is gentle, soothing, and not offensive.” I can see how a woman would want to describe herself as being classy or having class. But class is something you have to see for yourself and I would question the humility of someone who advertised having class, as I think it is not something that a person with class would do. And that led to this.

My definition of a woman with class
A gal without a stick up her ass.
But she’ll like a good poking
And I’ll know if she’s joking
When she’s ripping me with her merciless sass!

A “Rosh Hashanah” Limerick

To my family, all my Jewish friends and Jews all over the world – L’Shana Tova Happy New Year. Here’s wishing everyone a happy, healthy and sweet new year full of joy and naches.

I am proud to be Jewish. I embrace the religion and I love the religious culture. The religion presents God in a way that makes human life holy and love as God’s greatest gift to mankind. The religious culture, simply put, is literally delicious. Every holiday and celebration has special food that goes with it. There is something to be said about a religion that feels good and tastes good.

I want to share a story with you about Mimi, my beloved second wife who died of pancreatic cancer. We met on match.com, an online dating site. I think it is fair to say that posting an online dating profile is similar to posting a job resume. If it catches someone’s eye, it can get you an interview, which is what that first date is. This happened during that first interview. We had gotten through the family and where we grew up part of the interview. We reached the religion part. I am very Jewish. I wear it on my shirt sleeve and my face. I look like every other bald, bearded and hooked nose Jewish man. Mimi was half English and half Irish and she was a classic shikseh goddess. Turned up nose, big hazel eyes, a real cutie pie.

I asked her a fairly opened ended question about her religious beliefs. I asked her, “Are you a Christian?” There are many ways that someone can be a Christian.

This was her answer. “I was raised Presbyterian and I married a Catholic man and we raised our children Catholic. But, I have to tell you, I have never believed that Jesus died for my sins. I am responsible for my own life and how I will be judged by God.”

My next question was this, “Do you believe in the Ten Commandments and that they are holy, given to us by God so we can have a civilized way of life?”

“Absolutely.”

“Well, I have some great news for you…YOU’RE JEWISH.”

It was as if I had flicked a switch and turned a light on for her. She had an epiphany on the patio at P.F. Chang’s in Highland Village, Houston, Texas that night. She self converted and became a practicing Jew. And once she discovered the delicious part of the religious culture, she couldn’t get enough of it.

When I go to the memorial service on Yom Kippur, I will be honoring those precious memories.

So Mimi, this limerick is for you as it is how you embraced being Jewish.

With an over 5000 year evolution,
The Jewish religion is a dynamic institution.
Not overly dogmatic –
I find it pragmatic….
And we get two shots at a New Year’s resolution.

A “Do You Like Pie?” Limerick

I met my second wife on Match.com. Yes, it can work. Since I do better with the written word than the spoken word, computer dating gave me an opportunity to make a good first impression, before I had to start talking and reveal my true goofy self. I used this little four liner which worked well for me. It let me know right away if a woman was cool, had a sense of humor and adventure, and there was a chance we might connect or if there was none of that.

When trying to make a good first impression,
You have to find the right things to say.
I hope this captures your imagination –
I excel at verbs ending in “k”.

like work, think, cook, walk, talk and a few others….

It captured Mimi’s imagination and when we had our first face to face meeting, we connected. In every way. After a few hours of talking about ourselves, we took a walk around the plaza where the PF Changs was located and did a little window shopping and more talking, of course. Finally, I told her that I had just baked an apple pie and asked her if she wanted to come over for a piece. Her response, “Oh yeah!” She came over and we were together from that night until the day she died.

“Who want’s pie?” became our favorite phrase. Let’s just say we were both pie lovers in every sense. It made for a wonderful, romantic, delicious time together.

So with that, I offer you this little limerick.

When a pretty face catches your eye,
That’s not the time to be shy.
If you want to spark up a fire
You need to inquire….
“Do you like sex?” and “Do you like pie?”