There is no question that getting old sucks. I could have never imagined back in 1970, when I graduated high school, that the two pills in the first line of the song White Rabbit by the Jefferson Airplane would turn out to be Viagra and FloMax. One pill makes your penis larger and one pill makes your prostate small.
It’s a battle trying to keep that aging body from coming apart. If The Curse of 40 is that every ache and pain hurts twice as much and lasts twice as long, the curse goes exponential at 60. It takes effort and will power to fight the good fight.
So it’s no surprise that nearly 40% of adults 40-59 suffer from obesity. Many men in this age group think that a knife and fork are exercise equipment and sitting down to a big home cooked meal with their wives is working out with a personal trainer.
Subsequently, there are a whole lot of middle aged guys walking around with Dunlap’s Disease. Dunlap’s Disease is a gender specific affliction that affects the abdominal region. It gets its name from how it appears when a man is wearing pants and his belly done lapped over his belt. It ain’t any prettier when he isn’t wearing pants. There are men walking around this great country that haven’t looked down and seen their toes or their privates in years. They obviously haven’t seen themselves in profile or give a rat’s ass anyway.
I asked a buddy of mine how he let himself get into this condition and his answer was this – My wife is a great cook.
And with that in mind, it led to this…
In the kitchen my woman’s a winner
And I’m not one to be late for dinner.
If what my wife cooks
Was bought with my good looks….
I assure you, I’d be a lot thinner!
Falling down is not good at any age. When you factor in “The Curse of 40” it goes from not good to potentially very bad. The Curse of 40 is this – on your 40th birthday, from that day forward, every ache and pain will hurt twice as much and will last twice as long. The best you can hope for going forward and battling the aging process is that it doesn’t get any worse than that. So when there is some distance from that cursed birthday, you can see how falling down has pain in the ass written all over it, literally and figuratively.
Unfortunately, falling down is exactly what happened to my girlfriend last night. A normally light on her feet ballroom dancer she caught a wet spot on the kitchen floor and it was “watch her feet go past her head on the way down” time. Ouch. Leg, head, and, of course, ass, as in pain in the ass. Throw in that your boyfriend also brings that quality to the table and what you have there is a perfect storm for an add insult to injury kind of limerick.
After my Sweetie went bottoms up
I knew we were not going to shtup.
I said, “I feel your pain
So I suggest we refrain.”
She replied, “Stop trying to cheer me up.”
I am resisting aging with all my might. I’m holding up mentally. Physically is another story. I have always remained fit since my high school days. I still like working out and playing sports. That part of physically is fine. It’s the bald, gray, bags under my eyes, have to take a pill to piss part of physically that is messing with me.
I start out every day by walking into the bathroom, looking in the mirror, screaming and going about my business. It’s been a daily ritual for a long time. However, I recently made the mistake of moving in for a closer examination. It wasn’t pretty. I saw the dreaded “O” word staring back at me.
The day before this self observation took place, I stopped at a fast food joint for a cup of coffee. I got a nice senior discount…without asking for it. That led to the mirror which led to this –
It seems I’m approaching the geriatric stage
And how fast I’m going has been hard to gauge.
Oy, even at my best
I fail the mirror test…
It’s senior price now without asking my age!
While dealing with a minor “health” problem that needed some home medical treatment that required my wearing latex gloves, I made the assertion while making the insertion that growing old is not for the faint of heart and it led to this limerick-al observation.
You’re not interested in stock market tips.
Nothing happens when young gals shake their hips
But end of story,
A sign of an aging apocalypse!
I am a career bs artist and I do consider bs-ing an art form. I love telling stories and doing stand up routines. As I am growing older, I find that my love for this has not diminished, however, my memory has, which can be a problem. “Ok, where was I?” can only be used as a laugh line so many times before it is no longer funny, if it ever was in the first place.
My memory loss is dismaying.
Now when I’m slinging it, I find my self straying.
With my story telling,
Before I get to the kvelling,
I tend to forget what I was saying!
We change the way we look at a lot of things as we get older. And priorities change. When we are newly weds in our twenties and thirties, men think that the bedroom is the most important room in the house. In our forties and fifties, that changes to the kitchen and after that, the kitchen doesn’t lose it’s lofty status but the bathroom may move up the chart and pass the bedroom for second place. I can say that fortunately, the bedroom is still ahead of the bathroom in my world…an on any given night the bedroom can still give the kitchen a run for it’s money.
But I am a lucky guy. First of all, I am old, bald, toothless and unemployed and I still was able to find someone who loves me and she is not deaf, dumb, blind and smell impaired. What are the odds??? AND, she is a fabulous cook. She knows her way around the kitchen. She loves to cook and I love to eat (as best I can), so we are a match made in heaven (maybe literally…) But, as they say, you have to take the bad with the good…
And it led to this
I’ve been officially put on alert
She said her libido’s inert
I said, “With your cooking skills
Who needs sexual thrills?”
She said, “I think I’ll start making dessert!”
Wow, 50 years. I still listen to them frequently – especially Sgt. Peppers which came out when I was at summer camp back in 1967 and hearing it brings back so many wonderful memories of my youth. I am going to buy my sweetheart the 50th Anniversary collection CD set for Valentine’s Day. This past October, we went to see The Fab Four tribute band and they were great. We have a local tribute band in Houston that plays at The Continental Club, a rock n’ roll institution here, every Thursday night and it draws a diverse audience of AARP eligible alte cockers and the curious young that want to hear the music their parents and grandparents (yes, grandparents!) talk about. I go several times a year, not only because I love the music, but also because I want to measure how far my memory loss has progressed by seeing how much of the lyrics I can remember or have forgotten. They also serve Schlitz in cans for $2 for those on a “throwback” social security budget.
I was in the sixth grade in 1964 when the Beatles launched “the British invasion” and conquered America. I was taking dance lessons at the time and though the owner of the studio was not necessarily a fan, he played it as the music was easy to dance to – we were learning jitterbug aka swing dancing now. I still remember the dance steps and I love to go out swing dancing. I have been lucky enough to have several lady friends that have loved going out dancing with me, especially to the Continental Club on a Thursday night. Refer back to my Peter Pan Syndrome limerick http://wp.me/p3qhXb-w
The CBS show last night was wonderful. Paul and Ringo still have it in their 70’s. The music is timeless.
And it led to this –
When the Beatles landed here, I was in the sixth grade.
Who could have predicted the impact they’ve made
With melody and rhyme
That will forever stand the test of time…
They are cultural icons who will never fade.
I had a bit of a set back the last four days. I was running a fever and with that came a lot of discomfort. I have a doctor’s appointment today and I am hoping that whatever I had has run it’s course and is not an infection.
But discomfort – wow. There was some serious pain radiating through my body. I was able to moderate it with pain medication, but when it was happening, I was hurting. I am a long way from being able to participate in workouts and sports. That’s a minor inconvenience. I just want to feel good for right now.
And it led to this:
This is a response to my modus operandi limerick
Grow old gracefully? You must be dreaming.
My Peter Pan Syndrome is teeming.
If I may be so bold,
Here’s how I’m growing old…
I’m going kicking and screaming!
But Mother Nature’s not sold,
And as my infirmity begins to unfold.
Pain becomes aging’s curse –
It lasts longer and hurts worse…
Proving immature does not mean “not old.”
I feel as if Father Time snoozed.
Aging’s left me only semi-abused.
It’s plain to see
When you look at me
I’m still as good as used!