I find the punchlines for my limericks in a lot of different places. My friends supply most of them. But current events and television provide many opportunities to hear something that just begs to become a limerick. This ditty came from TV.
I was watching JLTV (Jewish Living TV). They were showing a program of “classic” Jewish comedians and I turned it on in the middle of an old Borscht Belt routine being performed by a comic I didn’t recognize. He was doing his shtick with a “Jewish” accent, pronouncing his “s’s” like “sh” and his “w’s” like “v.” He looked familiar, but how could he not? He kind of looked like me and a whole lot of other Jewish guys I know – chiseled ethnic features (big nose and bushy eyebrows) and a chrome dome (bald).
He was telling a joke about one of my favorite subjects, Senior Sex, and I was riveted. When he got to the punchline, I knew that I had to turn the joke into a limerick. Hey, goniffing is a time honored tradition among Jewish comedians. And it led to this……
Senior Sex can be daunting when new,
So she wondered what she’d have to do.
She said, “Be honest with me.”
He replied, “Infrequently.”
And she asked, “Is that one word or two?”
DISCLAIMER – I wrote this when I was sixty three and single. I am now married. Draw whatever conclusions you wish, but know I love my wife and I am not looking for trouble or anything else.
WARNING – Some material in this limerick may not be suitable for anyone who has not been called an idiot by their wife/wives or girlfriends.
Which is something that has been a pretty regular occurrence for me in my thirty plus years of marriage to four wives and my relationships with my many girlfriends when I wasn’t married. I would venture to say that if I had a dollar for anytime a wife or girlfriend called me an idiot, I could live comfortably off the interest.
I like sex. Always have and always will. But as I’ve grown older, I have found that I just don’t have the same level of desire and energy to make it happen. If it comes my way, I am not going to turn it away but is not something that I am going to put a lot of effort into to making happen where it was once something that was a hot pursuit (pun intended.)
I once wished women would want to screw me.
Now that’s no longer a priority.
I’ve even debated
That pussy’s overrated….
And not all that it’s cracked up to be!
Falling down is not good at any age. When you factor in “The Curse of 40” it goes from not good to potentially very bad. The Curse of 40 is this – on your 40th birthday, from that day forward, every ache and pain will hurt twice as much and will last twice as long. The best you can hope for going forward and battling the aging process is that it doesn’t get any worse than that. So when there is some distance from that cursed birthday, you can see how falling down has pain in the ass written all over it, literally and figuratively.
Unfortunately, falling down is exactly what happened to my girlfriend last night. A normally light on her feet ballroom dancer she caught a wet spot on the kitchen floor and it was “watch her feet go past her head on the way down” time. Ouch. Leg, head, and, of course, ass, as in pain in the ass. Throw in that your boyfriend also brings that quality to the table and what you have there is a perfect storm for an add insult to injury kind of limerick.
After my Sweetie went bottoms up
I knew we were not going to shtup.
I said, “I feel your pain
So I suggest we refrain.”
She replied, “Stop trying to cheer me up.”
I am resisting aging with all my might. I’m holding up mentally. Physically is another story. I have always remained fit since my high school days. I still like working out and playing sports. That part of physically is fine. It’s the bald, gray, bags under my eyes, have to take a pill to piss part of physically that is messing with me.
I start out every day by walking into the bathroom, looking in the mirror, screaming and going about my business. It’s been a daily ritual for a long time. However, I recently made the mistake of moving in for a closer examination. It wasn’t pretty. I saw the dreaded “O” word staring back at me.
The day before this self observation took place, I stopped at a fast food joint for a cup of coffee. I got a nice senior discount…without asking for it. That led to the mirror which led to this –
It seems I’m approaching the geriatric stage
And how fast I’m going has been hard to gauge.
Oy, even at my best
I fail the mirror test…
It’s senior price now without asking my age!