I’ve read a lot of online dating profiles. They fascinate me. To my naked eye, there are two things that women are looking for in a man – chemistry and an income greater than $100.000.00. I have to admit that would be a nice two team parlay.
As far as the money part goes, that’s pretty cut and dry. He’s either got it or he doesn’t and he’s either honest or a liar. An intelligent woman will figure that out fast.
The Chemistry part has a lot more to it. Intellectual compatibility goes a long way with talking and laughing which are essential to oral intercourse. Those things keep the fire burning. And then there’s that other intercourse that lights the fire …..
Like thinking answers a call.
Like humor will always enthrall.
But you need satisfaction
From animal attraction
If you’re wanting to have it all!
I find the punchlines for my limericks in a lot of different places. My friends supply most of them. But current events and television provide many opportunities to hear something that just begs to become a limerick. This ditty came from TV.
I was watching JLTV (Jewish Living TV). They were showing a program of “classic” Jewish comedians and I turned it on in the middle of an old Borscht Belt routine being performed by a comic I didn’t recognize. He was doing his shtick with a “Jewish” accent, pronouncing his “s’s” like “sh” and his “w’s” like “v.” He looked familiar, but how could he not? He kind of looked like me and a whole lot of other Jewish guys I know – chiseled ethnic features (big nose and bushy eyebrows) and a chrome dome (bald).
He was telling a joke about one of my favorite subjects, Senior Sex, and I was riveted. When he got to the punchline, I knew that I had to turn the joke into a limerick. Hey, goniffing is a time honored tradition among Jewish comedians. And it led to this……
Senior Sex can be daunting when new,
So she wondered what she’d have to do.
She said, “Be honest with me.”
He replied, “Infrequently.”
And she asked, “Is that one word or two?”
Let me begin by saying that a lot of what I am writing about here, I learned from first-hand experience. I have long been guilty of talking without thinking first. Once those words escape past your teeth, there is no turning back and you have done something that Honest Abe Lincoln advised us against.
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.”
With me there was never a doubt. As lifelong standup comic wannabe, I recklessly went after every cheap laugh I could and that would usually end up with any and all of my three wives calling me an idiot and me apologizing for being an idiot. I have backed off in my old age and now use the written word more for joke telling as it comes with a delete button so you can edit it before you’re regretting it.
We all known smart people, very smart people without a lick of common sense or social skills or both. My mom had a life partner who graduated sum a cum laude from Smith. My mom was almost expelled from high school a week before graduation for setting off a cherry bomb in cooking class. Her partner couldn’t cross the street unless mom told her it was ok to go.
I have described people like this, especially the one’s totally lacking tact and social skills, as Homer Simpson’s with a 125 IQ. They are Mindless Mensa’s and you never know what is going to come out of their mouths.
After a recent episode with someone who has the uncanny ability to always say the wrong thing at the wrong time, when I got done asking him the universal rhetorical question (“Are you out of your fucking mind?”) I offered some unsolicited free advice which became the last line of this limerick.
We all know people with a beautiful mind.
Despite they’re high IQ’s we find
They’ll say stupid things
And with the backlash it brings….
They need to quit while they’re behind!
A young friend of mine from the Houston Clemson Club and her husband just celebrated the birth of their first child. I have known these kids for a couple of years and they have been good Clemson buds, which is something that I cherish since Clemson is so near and dear to me.
Knowing that they were going to be busier than they have ever been before in their young lives and that they were going to have tons of visitors coming over to see their precious bundle of joy, I baked them some cream cheese pastries for their guests. Being the classy Tiger that the new mom is, there was a thank you note waiting for me when I returned from being out of town last week.
I know that this is an all new experience for them and it requires a lot of OJT. With that, I offer this advice –
When you’re changing diapers that stink
It’s pretty easy to think
How long’s this gonna last?
Just know they grow up fast…..
And my advice to you is DON’T BLINK!
I have a friend who has a very wonderful purse and handbag collection. She has great taste and a great eye for fashion. My friend has been able to have all the great designers in her collection. I have had the fun and pleasure of accompanying her when she has been looking to add to the collection. I can’t see how having a little expertise in handbags can be a bad thing. And I still find it interesting that a wallet can cost more than half of the cars I had in college – a lot more!
We recently did a little purse shopping but not for the collection. We were looking for a nice little functional purse at Macy’s. There was 2000 square feet of store space for this type of merchandise. Perspective – same size as my house. While my friend and her girls were making a selection from the many hundreds of bags they were sifting through, this little thing popped in my head…
Indecision – is there anything worse?
So a woman’s prerogative is really a curse.
With so much doubt,
I’ll never figure out…
How a woman picks out a purse!
There is no question that getting old sucks. I could have never imagined back in 1970, when I graduated high school, that the two pills in the first line of the song White Rabbit by the Jefferson Airplane would turn out to be Viagra and FloMax. One pill makes your penis larger and one pill makes your prostate small.
It’s a battle trying to keep that aging body from coming apart. If The Curse of 40 is that every ache and pain hurts twice as much and lasts twice as long, the curse goes exponential at 60. It takes effort and will power to fight the good fight.
So it’s no surprise that nearly 40% of adults 40-59 suffer from obesity. Many men in this age group think that a knife and fork are exercise equipment and sitting down to a big home cooked meal with their wives is working out with a personal trainer.
Subsequently, there are a whole lot of middle aged guys walking around with Dunlap’s Disease. Dunlap’s Disease is a gender specific affliction that affects the abdominal region. It gets its name from how it appears when a man is wearing pants and his belly done lapped over his belt. It ain’t any prettier when he isn’t wearing pants. There are men walking around this great country that haven’t looked down and seen their toes or their privates in years. They obviously haven’t seen themselves in profile or give a rat’s ass anyway.
I asked a buddy of mine how he let himself get into this condition and his answer was this – My wife is a great cook.
And with that in mind, it led to this…
In the kitchen my woman’s a winner
And I’m not one to be late for dinner.
If what my wife cooks
Was bought with my good looks….
I assure you, I’d be a lot thinner!
I was recently reading an article on computer dating and it was about what people are looking for. There are many things – security, friendship, companionship, acceptance, a soul mate and other similar things. But the article said the number one thing that people are looking for in their profiles is CHEMISTRY.
They are looking for something intangible and hard to describe yet unquestionably real. It is powerful stuff and it can easily defeat common sense and good judgment. It can make talking difficult and can make thinking just about impossible. Sometimes they call it Magic.
Many years ago, I wrote a poem about Magic. I wasn’t trying to write an artistic romantic love poem. I was trying to get laid. I sat down and got to doing my thing and what I came away with was a real poem. I looked at it and said to myself, “this is pretty good stuff.” Before I sent to anyone, I let it sit for a few hours to see if I still wanted to send something like that out for the intended purpose. There was a lot more to this than the MDS classic “Roses are red, violets are blue, blow me.” This poem had potential emotional fallout attached to it. I put it away for when I needed it. I read it to Mimi at our wedding dinner and I read it at her funeral. There was no denying that we had it.
A little something in which I would like to believe,
Despite being the fine art of how to deceive;
Is Magic nothing more than a contrived illusion?
I’d prefer to embrace the illogical conclusion.
There is something Magical about human attraction –
How it ignites such a powerful yet natural reaction
That overwhelms and enslaves the body and mind
To search for something illusive you may never find.
Still, I believe that the moment her eyes met mine,
We found that Magic is something that is Truly Divine.
I found it one more time with Arleen. And it was much different. Mimi and I were very much alike and Arleen and I were opposites. But there was something about how she made me feel that made me want to be the very best me I could be for her – that is Magic and Chemistry at its best. I am sure I will recognize it if it ever comes my way again.
I was thinking about it this morning while walking the dog and the first limerick popped in my head. I had already written the second limerick. The two came together just like H2 & O – Chemistry!
You settle on things that to you are a must,
And there’s that pesky little matter of trust.
But if you’re looking to see
Magic and Chemistry…..
Could it be as simple as “like” plus “lust”?
Mother Nature will have her say,
And Human Nature will get its way.
Love’s Magic spell
Is truly au naturale…
And Chemistry is Nature at play.
The holidays are always a time to think about loved ones and what is important in our relationships with our friends, family and our life partners. I have been married three times. All three of my wives are and were wonderful kind sweet loving people but they had very different personalities. There were two things that they had in common that made it work for us. First, they loved me despite my idiosyncrasies and shortcomings and, second, they could all not only dish it out, but also take it. Like me, they had the ability to laugh at themselves and look for a ray of humor sunlight when things were dark and stormy.
That is essential to a good a relationship. Relationships are a two way street and they work best when there is a lot of mutual support and encouragement… and when the parties are able to see getting ripped as constructive criticism. I have a lot of experience at that. Thick skin with a Teflon coating goes a long way.
I was discussing this with a friend yesterday and she was telling me that her friends are utzing her all the time but she can take it….and also give it out….and it led to this –
Here’s a sure fire way to tell
If a relationship’s working swell.
You don’t pout or shout
When they’re dishing it out….
‘Cause they’re gonna be taking it as well!
When I am writing about women and relationships, I always start every post with a disclaimer that I know nothing about women and, for the most part, they acknowledge that I know nothing about women and usually make a comment regarding my intellectual limitations which make it impossible for me to ever know anything about women. All of that is about 50% the truth and 50% me making fun of myself. I have been married to three wonderful women for over a total of thirty years. I have to know something beyond how to piss them off which I’ve got down pat.
Sadly, I am in a familiar place right now, alone. Not really alone; I have my Emily, a seven year old miniature schnauzer that Arleen rescued when she lived out in the country. She is very good company and a pretty demanding woman, too. But she is no substitute for the companionship of a woman who for whatever reason and sometimes reasons unknown wants to be with you. As I contemplate whether or not I am ready to seek the company of a special woman, I find myself thinking about all of the things that made my wives and women friends with whom I’ve had lasting friendships the special women that they were and still are.
With every one, a little romance went a long way. I’ve had a full range of reactions to my attempts to be romantic. I have gotten a little mileage out of writing poetry. When I won a Mother’s Day radio contest with a poem about Mimi, she would have kicked down the Gates of Hell and spit in the Devil’s face to prove her love to me, but also, I have been told, “Save that shit for the paying customers.” The problem with trying to be romantic is that they know you’re trying and then they’re trying to figure out why your trying. That can’t lead to anything but confusion.
It is really the simplest of things that deliver the best message – I love you. If you ever had your bedroom over a garage in Cleveland, OH during the winter, you know there is nothing better than snuggling. Unfortunately, my feet would turn to blocks of ice in late November and not warm up until Mother’s Day. That led to a lot of “Don’t touch me with those feet.” That situation required too much concentration to be able to get the max comfort……
Which is obtained in either Position A, which has a head on a shoulder, an arm across a chest and legs sort of intertwined or some spooning. In either case, it is the simple act of initiating the engagement that, frozen feet notwithstanding, says a lot with a little. And all that led to this –
No need to serenade her with a song
When it’s your touch that she wants all along.
You’ll make everything right
When you reach for her at night…..
She’s thinking, “What the hell took you so long?”
Do not think that just because I have been married three times that I know anything about marriage or women. I would never be so bold as to suggest that I do. As they say, “I may be dumb, but I ain’t stupid.” And a man claiming that he has expert knowledge of the two aforementioned subjects would be profoundly stupid.
I only have to refer back to what may be the stupidest thing ever written in the English language -“Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” (Of course, the author of this was an enormous commercial success pandering this stupidity) Come on. Every man that ever considers marriage or a committed relationship should be forced to read “Apologizing and Groveling For Dummies” Ask any woman. They will not only agree with my opinion of that quote from Love Story, but also offer some sort of take that would go something like this – “Love means not screwing up in the first place so you don’t need to beg for forgiveness, you moron!” (Feel free to insert the universal adjective when quoting me – for the record, all my wives did!) As I have said repeatedly, if I had a dollar for every time that one of my wives or girlfriends called me an idiot, I could live comfortably on the interest.
I had the misfortune of walking in on a couple of married friends of mine who were lighting each other up with full force. That’s not exactly true. She was deploying a scorched earth offensive and he was in cover your head, duck and run mode. I couldn’t back peddle out of there fast enough…..then I called my buddy and told him that things would get better and soon this would be behind him. His reply. “When?” ….. and it led to this –
When you follow her orders half assed,
You know her tirade’s gonna come hard and fast.
There’s really no telling
How long she’ll be yelling
And it ain’t history until it’s in the past.
So there’s no putting it behind you until the smoldering dies out as it can, and usually will, burst back into flames. I recommend flame retardant underwear.