There are many defining moments in a man’s life. The progression looks something like this, but this list is in no way all inclusive – first day of school, first crush, learning to masterbate, getting a driver’s license, first time you get laid, first marriage, birth of your first child, teaching that child to pull your finger, teaching that child to drive, first left for dead, broken, broke and homeless divorce; and there are others that go with living and parenting and aging and dying whether it be happening to you or people close to you like your wife or parents or a close friend. But I don’t write this blog to be serious. I write it to have some fun with things that we all have to deal with and may have never considered until we’re splattered all over the bumper of the bus running us over. This is about one of those defining moments.
It has to do with being the father of a daughter. Parenthood is tough enough, but being the father of a female is whole lot more challenging than being the father of a male. I have a poem on this blog site that openly professes that my knowledge and understanding of women is very limited and that makes trying to raise one very challenging. With boys, it’s all about trying to teach them how to control themselves. With girls, it’s all about trying to learn how to control yourself. Everything that you do embarrasses them, even when you are not trying to. They will disavow you the first time your credit card is declined. And, of course, they go through much different physical changes growing up than boys do. Need I say more about that? I think not.
You do the best you can. You try to be a good husband and good father so they can see how that is supposed to be and they have a frame of reference when they grow up and have a serious relationship. You are respectful to women, especially their mother, and you spend time with them even if means going to the mall and shopping and going to little girl movies. If they play sports and love going to sporting events with you, that’s a bonus but nothing you force on them. And most importantly, you try to conceal that you are still just a stupid man the best you can.
But sometimes you can’t. And that is when this defining moment occurs. It starts when they become precocious teenagers. I got my first glimpse of this defining moment at my daughter’s Bat Mitzvah. One of my best buddies, at the time a 45 year old career bachelor, came over to me and said, “Wow, some of your daughter’s little girlfriends are really hot.” These were thirteen year old little girls and I was stunned that he would say something like that to me. I was speechless for a second; then I told him to keep that to himself. What I wanted to do was plant a fork in the middle if his forehead.
Now let’s fast forward eight years and believe me, those eight years fly by. It’s your daughter’s college graduation. You are taking your daughter and her gang out for a fancy dinner to celebrate and they show up wearing makeup, dresses and high heels. Now all those little thirteen year old girls are beautiful legal drinking age twenty one year old young women. And you find yourself standing there like a deer in the headlights with a glazed stupid smirk on your face. If you have a wife with you, she’ll see what is going on and will do her best Cher in Moonstruck imitation. Hopefully she won’t have to slap you as hard as she can too many times to get you to snap out of it. Be sure, what she really wants to do is plant a fork in the middle of your forehead. But the damage is done and you have been exposed. And that is the defining moment.
And it led to this:
Since it’s your judgment on which this depends,
There’s no good way this dilemma ends.
But like it or not,
They are oh so hot…..
And you want to shtup your daughter’s friends.